A little help, please.

It would appear that some of us, or maybe just me, need help with Christmas carol lyrics. So, here is a site to help the lyric-challenged.

When someone at your next caroling event says, "How on earth do you remember all those lyrics?" be sure to tell them that Suzanne's blog hooked you up, and encourage them to stop by regularly.

Christmas Carol Quiz!

One of the blogs I like to read, and one that I link to here on my blog, is BusyMom.net. Busy Mom is having a little trouble feelin' Christmasy, but she did provide a link on her blog to a Christmas Carol Quiz at the Chicago Tribune's site that I gave a whirl.

I missed 6, which made me deeply ashamed of my profound failure (I have a slight perfection complex), but the Trib says I shouldn't feel bad. Here's what they said about my performance:

"Your TOTAL SCORE is: 76%. Not bad. You stand to be the life of any winter holiday party you attend, should caroling break out."

This is true, ya know. I'm peppy at parties, and I love to sing. I'm pretty good, too...certainly better than most of the shmucks at holiday parties (now THAT's the spirit)!

It's Elftastic!

No, this isn't another post about Will Ferrell. This is something you may have already heard of, but I can't take the chance that you haven't - it's just too good!

Ever wonder what you'd look like as a dancing elf? I know you have, so don't even pretend that you haven't. If you can't stand the suspense, the not knowing, then bust out whatever means you have of uploading a picture of yourself to this site and get your happy on!

You want to see me as an elf, don't you?

Well.

Okay!!!

You can record your voice, too, I guess to impart happy Christmas wishes to all who see you cuttin' your elfin rug, but I'm not really in a position to do that just right this minute. Send me the link, though, if any of you decide to do it!

Merry Almost Christmas!

One more week!

Well, this time next week we'll be in a stupor from the frenzy of opening presents and gorging ourselves on a gigantic Christmas feast! I believe there are still a few of you out there who haven't finished your shopping, and perhaps even a few who haven't finished decorating. To assist you with both endeavors, I present, Monster Stockings!

I personally wouldn't pay $60 for a stocking - even one with webbed toes - but you last-minute types get stuck paying a premium all the time, so you probably won't mind.

Just for a moment...

If you get a chance during this holiday season, keep an eye out for the show, The Christmas Truce, on The History Channel.

You may have heard the story before, but it bears revisiting at this time when we have soldiers abroad, and Christmas is upon us. It's the story of one Christmas during World War I, the Christmas of 1914, when German and British soldiers in one place on the Western Front laid down their arms and met in No Man's Land for a day of peace/armistice. They shook hands, talked, laughed, even played soccer. It required both bravery and trust on both sides. Other soldiers in other areas tried to do the same thing, and one side or the other wouldn't have it. But in THIS place, it did work...at least for a few days.

I do not suggest you watch this show as a commentary about war - either the one we're fighting or war in general. I simply think it's a beautiful moment during a horrible time. Just for a moment, they weren't soldiers or enemies, they were people. And it was Christmas. And God granted them peace. And they took it.

It's a special story during this special season.

Shake, rattle and roll.

I'm feeling like poo (yeah, that's right...I said it) thanks to my allergies, so I don't have any witty observations today about the world we live in, but I do have this bit holiday festivity to offer: The Holiday Snow Globe.

Give it a shake and let it run for a while. You'll see some humorous stuff. Or at least it's humorous to me, but my brain is only half-functioning.

Snowball fight!!!

It's supposed to hit 73 today, so no snowball fights will be had here in River City, but to get a little Christmas cheer, visit the "Elf" Snowball Fight Web site: www.elfmovie.com/swf/snowball_fight/index.html.

I'm sure it will suprise no one that I love the movie "Elf" considering its star. But hey, I'm not alone. My friends were *just* talking about it on Friday and laughing about particular scenes. I swear, it wasn't me who brought it up!

If you haven't seen "Elf" then get thee to Blockbuster, because it's nothing short of a modern holiday classic. Really! I mean it!! Okay, maybe it's not "Miracle on 34th Street," but you will laugh, and it's good holiday spirit and all that. If you don't like Will Ferrell...well, then, there's something wrong with you and you probably don't like Santa or Rudolph or, for that matter, the Baby Jesus, and you can't be helped. But for all of us good and true people, somewhere in among "It's a Wonderful Life" and "Scrooge" and "Christmas Vacation" (if not the best "Vacation" movie, one of the top two), squeeze "Elf" in there.

"SANTA!!!! OH MY GOD!!!! I *know* him! I know him!"

Here it comes.

I had a nice weekend, but my winter cold/allergy flareup has begun. I'm honestly not sure which it is, but my throat hurts from all the gunk running down it from my sinus passages, and it's a race now for me to get done as much work as possible while my brain is still functioning. Any day now, my head will weigh 20 pounds and I'll no longer be able to think from all the gunk gumming up the works. So, after I post this, it's work, work, work, like a worker bee who is working! But first I post.

I had an enjoyable weekend, aside from the illness settling in. Friday night, my crew and I went out to celebrate Vangie's birthday. You go, girl! We had drinks and appetizers at 219, then went to see our resident rock star, Angela, rockin' the house with the band she sometimes sings with (and lookin' hot, my friend!). We petered out a little earlier than usual, but that's okay - we're entitled. We're old now. Things overheard that night:

"Suzanne is going to tell us how she keeps her *** clean." (No, she wasn't, and she didn't.)

"Bitch stepped on my hair!"

"Happy birthday to youuuuu....I don't remember the words." "'Happy Birthday' mother fu**er."

Saturday I spent pretty much the entire day enjoying a marathon of "That Girl" on TVLand. I've known about "That Girl" for many years, but never saw an episode. Now, I've seen most of them. Cute show. I must say, there's something very pleasant about spending a cold, winter Saturday watching a frothy 60s sitcom all day. I even started noting the actors who had bit parts on the show, and who later when on to actual fame: Chuck Connors, Richard Dreyfuss, Caroll O'Connor, Rob Reiner, Teri Garr, and that Russell whoever guy that played The Professor on "Gilligan's Island." If I ever see the rest of the episodes I didn't see Saturday, maybe I'll spot more! That's part of the fun of watching old TV shows - seeing somebodies before they were anybodies.

Sunday, I got a big chunk of my Christmas shopping done, which was a relief, and then I went to my book club. In anticipation of not being home by 7:00 for TAR, I set my VCR. Unfortunately, stupid NFL football pushed everything back again, so I only caught half the show! I saw in real time who won, then went back and watched as much of the show as my VCR had taped. Here's the recap:

First task: find the clue in the park in Spain. Bama was slow on this one, but it didn't matter since the next task was a flight and the teams all caught up at the airport.

Second task: Fly to Paris.
Rob and Kim get earliest/first tickets. Blech. Bama outsmarts the other teams by finding airport closer to Eiffel Tower and they get there first, though. Awesome.

Travel to Caen.
Everyone caught up again. Bummer.

Roadblock: Skydive.
You all saw Kimberly wipe out when she got to the clue box, right? I saw it happen in the background, then they showed one shot of it happening from another angle, and that was it. There wasn't even any dramatic music. That deserved several replays in slo-mo, man. Rob, of course, whined about not getting to skydive, but everyone seemed to enjoy the Roadblock, whether they skydived or rode in the plane. Seemed like a fun task.

Take the Train back to Paris.
Rob is an idiot, but somehow it manages to not bite him in the butt. He leaves the train platform to go change money, and the train comes early. Hilarious. But then at the next station, he and Kimberly catch up again. Arrrrgh.

Detour: Art or Fashion.
This is where my VCR cut off. I barely saw the instructions for Art and saw nothing for Fashion, so no more recap and commentary on the rest of the race.

I do know that the models won, and I guess that's fine. It would've been nice if Bama had won, but it would've been annoying if Rob and Kim had won, so whatever. I wasn't terribly invested this time after the Chos and the Barbies were out. But it would've been nice to see the rest of what happened. The football delays are on my last nerve. I'm glad the next season won't start until after football season.

But wait, there's more!

Well, I hope you've all had a chance to go play with someone else's Christmas lights online. Now, it's time for a little nostalgia. Take a trip down memory lane, to a time when you were convinced that the jolly, fat man in the red suit at the mall was nuthin' but a Stranger Danger test. I present you with:

Pictures of children terrified of Santa.

Ah, the spirit of Christmas. And the seeds of therapy.

Tis the season

Okay, people, time to rev up that Christmas spirit. Do you realize we're less than three weeks from the big day now? Well, we ARE!!!

So, I'm going to see if I can share some interesting holiday "stuff" in the coming weeks. Let's start with this Web page of Christmas lights: http://www.komar.org/cgi-bin/christmas_webcam. This page is not your normal Web page showing someone's Christmas lights. Oh no! This is Age of the Internet, the Interactive Age, the Too Much Time On Our Hands Age. So, thus, you have Alek's Controllable Christmas Lights for Celiac Disease!

At this page, you can view the light displays on Alek's Colorado home in real-time, 24 hours a day, via 3 Web cams. But that's not all! No, it gets better. You can CONTROL Alek's lights!! That's right, folks - you can turn his lights on and off and blow up or deflate his inflatable displays via buttons on the Web page! Is that wild or what?!

While at Alek's place, he also pitches for you to donate to celiac research. Both of his kids suffer from the disease, so he's trying to raise money. A good cause. He also tells you all about his set-up for his Christmas lights, as well as several other features of the site.

A very unique site and all in the spirit of the season. Check it out!

Oh, happy day!

It's a happy day for many reasons, not the least of which was the outcome of TAR last night. I'll get to my recap of that in a minute, though. First, a rundown of the weekend. Friday night, I got to see the Longhorn volleyball team advance to the second round of the NCAA tournament. Saturday they advanced to the third round - Hook 'em, girls!

Saturday, I met my friend Sheila for an afternoon at the Blanton Museum and a late lunch at Romeo's - one of my favorite Italian places here in Austin. It was a theme lunch, since we spent our Blanton time viewing an exhibit by Italian painter Luca Cambiaso. It was a gorgeous exhibit. And lunch weren't too bad neither! Thanks for a lovely Saturday outing, Sheila!

Saturday night, I went to my first holiday event of the season - a potluck and Laurie and Tony's. It was a blast! We had lots of good food and wine and company. Laurie always gets a real tree (as opposed to the pre-lit plastic one that I put up every year), which really kicks off the season, I think. A good time was had by all, which is always true at L&T's!

Sunday afternoon Angela invited some of us over to taste the wines she brought back from the California wine country over Thanksgiving. The wines were incredible, and she did a fab-o job of laying out snacks that were paired with the wines and telling us about the vineyards that each wine came from. Very enjoyable. After the wine tasting portion of the evening, Angela and I watched TAR, which capped things off nicely. Let's recap, shall we??

The teams started with the Road Block of eating camel meat. While I normally demur from all food tasks, this one I could've done. It sounded like most of the teams thought the meat tasted good, and there wasn't an excessive amount of it to eat. The only thing I couldn't figure is how the Blondes got so far ahead of Bama and Rob and Kim after starting out last! I would like to have muzzled Karlyn while Lyn was trying to complete the task. She can be a real bitch, that one.

Next the teams flew to Spain. They all caught up at the airport, which I thought they might. I nearly choked when the Blondes asked the Models if the Models would be willing to step aside at the mat and let them be first. WHAT??? And WHY would they do that for you when you've been nothing but cut throat the whole game??? I was so glad the models were like, "Not happenin'" even though it didn't come to that.

Next was a Detour: Lug it or Lob it.
This was a tough choice, but I would've taken a risk and gone with Lob it, and it looks like that would've worked out - it did for both of the teams that chose it. I was about ready to change the friggin' channel, though, when Kim kept screeching like a banshee. I mean, WHAT is the big deal? So, some people are pelting you with tomatoes. They're not acid bombs. Grow up! And taking time to change clothes after that task before going on to the Pit Stop? I would've been like "Get in the freakin' car!" if my partner did that (and yes, I know they both did it, but I still was incredulous. This is the last round before the finals! Don't waste time with that crap!).

The Pit Stop. Rob and Kim first. Okay. Then Bama. Good. Then...Models, Blondes, Models, Blondes, who will it be?? MODELS!!! Blondes are OUT!!! Hallelujah!!! I'm SO happy that they're out. Not only will I not have to look at their Crest White Strips smiles anymore, but they can't possibly win now, so whoever wins, it won't be a knife in my gut like Treasure Hunters was. Whew.

I'm just full of ideas.

The subject of crying at work has come up twice in the last 24 hours as I conversed with friends and co-workers. Note, I did not say I've cried at work twice in the last 24 hours - the subject has just come up. I'm not really a cry-in-public kinda gal. I have cried in public, and at the office for that matter, but it's something I'll bust a blood vessel in my brain to avoid. I'm a big believer in holding things in check until you're safely in the car or home. Then let the dam burst.

I *am* a cryer - I'm kind of an easy mark actually. Just not in public. And especially not in the office. I even have a "rule for living" about it. It's very profound, and I shared it with a friend yesterday. My rule is, "When you start crying at work, something has to change." It's like a light just came on for you, isn't it? The insight. I know.

Of course, this rule applies to situations where something at work is what made you cry - your actual job, or your boss, or a co-worker, etc. When this is the case, you must take action: get another job, confront the person who made you cry, ask for a different assignment, etc. But there are times when the crying has nothing to do with work. Maybe you broke up with your significant other, or you just found out a beloved pet has a terminal condition, or you haven't slept in 6 months because your baby has colic and now you just spilled your coffee. Tears in these situations are almost impossible to stop, and you probably don't feel like explaining your weakened condition to your boss or anyone else within hearing distance. What's a worker to do?

Oh sure, you could go to the bathroom and cry. And then someone comes in to pee, and you're both uncomfortable. You could try and sob quiety at your desk. And then someone comes over to ask you a question, and you're suddenly the center of attention for the whole floor. You could go to your car, but then everyone coming out to their car to go somewhere looks at you suspiciously (What is she doing in there? Why is she just sitting in her car? Is she going to jump out and mug me? Is she in there committing suicide? Maybe I should tell someone...). None of these is particularly great. So, I have come up with the solution: Cry rooms.

Churches have them. Why not offices? They church ones are for babies, but who says babies are the only ones who sometimes need a good cry at an inopportune moment? My office building has a room for new mothers to go pump breastmilk. We have a break room on the first floor. Why not a cry room?

Section it off in cubes, just like our work space, and put up curtains, like the nurse's office in an elementary school. Take the psychiatrist-couch things placed in some of the bathrooms around our building (don't get me started on those), stick them in the cry rooms, stock the cubes with kleenex and trash cans, then get outta the way. You just found out that your plumbing system is falling apart, and it's going to cost $30,000 to dig up all the pipes and replace everything? Head to the Cry Room, baby. Find a cube, pull the curtain, plop down on the couch, and let her rip. They could even put little timers in there, so if you're only allowed two 10-15 minute breaks a day (plus lunch), you won't run over and get in trouble (which would, of course, lead to more crying).

I think it's brilliance. In fact, I'm so moved by my own genius, I think I may cry.

Oh snap!

Cold snap, that is! We had an arctic front roll through in the middle of the night last night, and it is cooooold in River City! (And I love it.)

Yesterday, our high was 80 degrees. I mowed the lawn (the consequence of putting down rye grass to get my hated HOA off my back...the HOA that has just granted itself a 20% raise, the a-holes. I don't want to talk about them. It'll ruin my good mood). I used the air conditioner in my car. I put out my spiffy new animatronic, lighted deer lawn ornaments and tried to figure out how to run all my various extension cords so that all my Christmas lights and decorations could be lighted at once (and failed - I'll still need one more cord). It was warm, but not hot.

And then the front began to roll in. The wind began to whip around - I could hear the lights I put up around my front door periodically banging against the doorframe. I kept checking the weather to see when the front would actually get here and what to expect. They talked about cold and rain and maybe sleet sometime after midnight and then a high today of about 40. Whoa! That's a change. But I wasn't hearing anything about wind advisories. Then all of a sudden I see that we're under a tornado watch. That's it!!! In came the spiffy new deer.

The temperature is indeed in the 30s today, and the deer are grazing in my foyer until the wind backs off. That's supposed to happen tonight, so they can go back out into the yard tomorrow. Then, instead of worrying about them being knocked over and broken by high winds, I can just worry about some neighborhood punk stealing them. I would not behave in the spirit of the baby Jesus if someone did that. If they want to steal my ugly, multi-colored lighted plastic angel decoration, they are welcome to it. But if anyone touches my new deer, I'm going Taliban on them. I get happy just looking at them. Don't steal my happy.

When I get all my cords in place and can light everything up, I'll put a picture on the blog of Casa Suzanne, Holiday Style. Maybe I'll even have to wear a coat to take the picture! :)

I'm here to help.

Okay, it would appear another celebrity needs my assistance regarding how to manage his life. Today, I will be offering my particular brand of common sense to Michael Richards. Because it's become obvious that he needs it.

Michael, let's recap recent events. Last week (or somewhere thereabouts) you were performing in a comedy club. Some audience members, who happened to be black, heckled you, saying you weren't funny. Maybe they were relentless - I don't know - but in response, you went...shall we say...ape shit. You indulged in a rant that largely involved calling them the n-word (it bothers me that we can't all just say the word, but my goal here is to help Michael, not start a firestorm because *I* used the n-word, so PC "n-word" it will be) and suggesting something about forks up their butts if today were the 1950s. I don't recall that particular element of the civil rights struggle. It's my understanding it involved things like voting and desegregation, but if there were forks involved, then I trumpet the black community's right to protest that as well. I plan on vigorous opposition if anyone ever gets a fork near my butt. But this isn't about me.

Much to your chagrin, I'm sure, Michael, an audience member had a cell phone with video capability. He taped your rant. And he released it to the media. Of course. You then spent the next week on the "Michael Richards Apology Tour - 2006!!!" I felt moved to help you then, but no, I decided to let you try and work it out, but today things got worse. I wake up to see on the news that you apparently went off on Jewish people in your act a few months ago, then said it was okay because you're a Jew, which you are not. So now, not only are black people mad at you, but so are Jewish people. It's only a matter of time before you start making porn tapes, so I really *must* step in now.

Michael. I'm here to help. Let's look at this and get you a plan of action. First of all, you're performing in a comedy club. This is where your problems start. You're not mad at black people, Mike. You're mad at yourself...because your career is in the crapper. Julia Louis-Dreyfuss has a new sitcom, and it's good. Jerry Seinfeld is set for life, and he can occasionally step out and tell a few jokes anytime he feels like it, but with no pressure about needing it to pay the bills. Jason Alexander pops up in movies and tv pretty regularly, so he's keeping busy. But you, Cosmo Kramer, you're not making the transition from the Seinfeld days so well, are you?

It's okay. Not everyone can be a long-term success. Some people are one-hit wonders. Some people have just one good song in them, or one good book, or one good idea. You, Mike, you had one good character. You need to accept that. Because the first question you should've asked, before letting your rage vomit out all over the hecklers was, "Are they right?" Maybe they're right, Mike. Maybe your stand-up isn't funny. And that's not their fault. No, it's not. Whose fault is it, Mike? Whose fault? That's right, Mike. It's your fault. Let's take a second to own that.

Good.

Now, the second thing to consider. When you attacked the hecklers, you went "there." You went racist. BAM! You can't do that, Mike. It ain't seemly. And it had nothing to do with whether you're funny. And then in your apology tour, you tell everyone in a soft voice, repeatedly, how you're not racist. But you see, that's like stealing something and then saying, "But I'm not a thief." Like the pervs who suggest that they molested boys because they have an alcohol problem, that's what we call "denial."

The fact that you went there, and with such vigor, means that all that stuff was right there in your Micheal Richards mind, ready to spew out with just the right provocation...like being heckled on a comedy club stage (because THAT's not something comedians have to contend with on a regular basis). Maybe you don't WANT to be racist. Maybe you don't LIKE wishing it were 1950 and you could stick a fork up a black man's ass (which leads to other speculations about what's in your mind, but that's not for today). But Michael, it's there. So instead of telling us how tortured you are because it isn't true, try telling *yourself* the truth - that you're tortured because it is. Then allow your psychiatrist to help you with THAT.

Issue number three: the cell phone and subsequent media storm. I'm going to tell you something that someone should've pointed out to you a long time ago since you weren't quick enough to pick up on it on your own. There is NO privacy in the public domain anymore. There's barely any in your own home with the shades drawn, especially if you're a celebrity. Sit down with Jennifer Aniston and she'll explain it to you. The poor woman can barely walk around her own house. Mike, you should assume that a camera is on you at all times and anything stupid or offensive that you say will be on YouTube the next day - particularly if you're on stage when you say it. Yes, it's miserable to live that way, but you signed on for it. If you're not up for it, get a job at a car wash for minimum wage and anonymity can again be yours.

Issue number four: the Jewish thing. I can't believe I'm going to have to tell you this, but apparently no one else will, so here goes: do not lie. That's all, Mike. Don't lie. Don't lie about who you are, what you do, what you say - any lie you tell will be found out, and it will only compound your problems. Your publicist says it isn't a lie because you *believe* you're a Jew - that you "consider" yourself a Jew because some influential people in your life were Jewish and you like the religion. Well, I like cheese enchiladas - that does not make me Mexican. You have GOT to get a handle on reality, Mike. You've got to start seeing yourself as you are. I'm doing your psychiatrist's job here, but without the $300 an hour. My word, the favor I'm doing you.

Issue number five: the apology tour. This is my last bit of advice for you, Mike. I've saved it for last, because it's the most important, and I want you to leave with it fresh in your mind. Here it is: Shut. Up.

You need to shut up, Mike. You need to stop talking. When the comedy club thing happened, you should've done one, heartfelt, honest apology that didn't involve you denying that you're racist or telling us how shattered you are. You should've just said, "I said some things that were WAY out of line. I feel terrible about it, and I'm going to get some help, because it makes me sick that I'm harboring those kinds of feelings. I don't want to be that guy, and I'm ashamed of myself. I apologize with all my heart." End of story. It accepts responsibility for what you did, states that you were wrong, and says you're going to do something about it. Then you shut the hell up.

If you keep talking about it, it keeps the whole issue alive. A broken arm can't heal if you keep bangin' it with a hammer. You have to let it die down. If you'll just lie low, Britney Spears will show her hoo-hoo, or Mel Gibson will get drunk, or Tom Cruise will...exist, and everyone will start talking about something else. But if you keep talking about the old stuff and/or giving people new stuff to talk about, it will never go away.

So, in conclusion, I'll sum up my advice is two short sentences: Get real. And shut up.

I hope this helps.

It's a meme!

Okay, I was tagged for a meme, so here we go!

A - Available/Single? Single. Rub it in, why don't you?
B - Best Friend? I don't have one specific best friend, but I have a bunch of good ones!
C - Cake or Pie? Cake
D - Drink Of Choice? Coke
E - Essential Item You Use Everyday? shampoo
F - Favorite Color? Not sure I have a color so much as a shade. I like the rich shade of most colors (as opposed to pastels, bright colors or primary colors).
G - Gummy Bears Or Worms? Bears if I have to choose, but I prefer Sour Patch Kids!
H - Hair Style? just past the shoulders with bangs
I - Indulgence? Blue Bell ice cream
J - January Or February? Is there a difference?
K - Kids & Their Names? Murphy, my cat, is the closest I come
L - Life Is Incomplete Without? hot water
M - Marriage Date? Is that supposed to be funny?
N- Number Of Siblings? 1 brother
O - Oranges Or Apples? oranges
P - Phobias/Fears? I'm not good with heights or bugs, but can't say I'm phobic
Q - Favorite Quote? "This too shall pass."
R - Reason to Smile? I'm from Texas. :)
S - Season? Spring, I think. You can wear shorts again, but it's not 500 degrees yet.
T - Tag Three People? Other than Judy (who tagged me), none of my other friends has a blog!
U - Unknown Fact About Me? I have an Ashlee Simpson CD. And I like it.
V - Vegetable you don't like? olives are technically a fruit, but I'm giving that as my answer anyway
W - Worst Habit? bad posture. That sounds cheesy, but I'm serious - I've got shoulder and neck problems that I aggravate every single day with bad posture. It's ridiculous I haven't overcome it.
X - X-rays You've Had? besides teeth? feet, knees, torso (hips, back and neck)
Y - Your Favorite Food? cheese enchiladas
Z - Zodiac Sign? Pisces

Anyone who reads this, feel free to answer any of these questions in the comment section!

A week without blogging.

Man, too much happens when I don't have enough Internet time to blog for a week! My Internet/computer problems should all be resolved this week, though. Hallelujah. Let's hit the highlights from the last week and then I'll recap TAR.

First was Thanksgiving. I had an enjoyable Thanksgiving on all fronts. We hit a snag traveling to Houston on Tuesday night. There was an accident just east of Sealy that shut down I-10 for almost an hour and a half. It was bizarre. Many of us just turned off our cars and lights and sat there in the dark. We got out and walked around a bit, talking to other people, but it was pretty cold, so there wasn't so much of that. Everyone was suprisingly low-key about it, though. No one got mad or uptight. We all just hung out and waited for it to clear. It's amazing how you can relax with 5 days away from the office ahead of you! :)

Friday was the UT v. anm football game. It was painful for me and I won't say much. Colt didn't seem to be back on his game, and I'm greatly concerned about him being injured again. I wish we wouldn't even go to a bowl game at this point. The aggies certainly showed their true colors in the last 2 minutes with two cheap shots on Colt, even though they were ahead and likely to win. Real class act, aggies.

Saturday I started putting up my Christmas decorations. I didn't decorate for Halloween or Thanksgiving, so I'm pumped about getting in the spirit for Christmas! I think I'm the first one on my street with my lights up.

Sunday I went to a party to celebrate the marriage of one of my friends. She and her boyfriend went to Kauai for 8 days and got married on the beach! Just the two of them and their officiant. The official for the wedding also took their pictures, so they had this gorgeous, private, romantic ceremony and honeymoon. The pictures were incredible. Yay for Lauren and George! Happiness forever, my friends!

And this brings us to TAR last night. I didn't think I cared anymore who would win, but I did find myself rooting for Bama, and I even wanted Rob and Kim to do well - mostly because I want the Blondes to be out. I will really hate it if they win. Let's recap.

1st task: fly to Morocco.
The teams all caught up to each other by the time they got to Morocco. The blondes tried to Crest Whitestrip smile their way into an earlier flight in Italy (I think they were in Italy), but the female ticket agent wasn't impressed. Imagine that. Bama was smart and got a map in Paris to figure out where to go once they got to Morocco. It allowed them to jump ahead and get to their Moroccan destination first. The only problem is that it was closed til the morning, so all the teams caught up again. So frustrating that they're finally in first place, and everyone catches up.

Yield.
The models and Rob and Kim yield no one, which I didn't get. Why wouldn't you yield the Blondes? They're your closest competition. But they didn't, which left the yield open to the Blondes to use, which they did on Bama. That sucked, but the fact is, Bama would've used it on them, so no one can really act pissy, though Bama did. They tried to make it sound like that showed the Blondes were bad people, but again, Bama planned on using it, so how can they say that? Don't be hypocritical, people. It's just part of the game. It *does* engender bad blood, so if you use it, know that's what may come of it, but it is a legitimate tool. It's not cheating, like when Bama jumped in front of the line of people waiting for cabs.

The Blondes DID show their true colors when Rob and Kim were getting a flat and they wouldn't tell them, though. They finally did, but only after Rob had already figured it out. And they smiled and laughed about not telling Rob and Kim. Those girls really are not good people. They'll smile their pretty beauty queen smiles as they stab you in the back. Ugly inside doesn't overcome pretty outside. I can't believe Rob and Kim had car trouble again. Karlyn tried to say if they always have trouble, it must be something they're doing, but that's stupid. It's just been bad luck.

Detour. Throw It or Grind It.
I would've chosen Grind It, just like all the teams did. Throwing pots, as Karlyn pointed out, is not as easy as it looks. I loved, loved, loved the Blondes passing by the Detour and having to double back then ending up last. My favorite moment of the show.

Pit Stop.
It's too bad Bama can't run faster or they would've been first at the pit stop. The real disappointment was the fact that Blondes were saved from elimination by it being a non-elim round. That sucks. It would truly have been a glorious day if they'd been knocked out. Unfortunately, we'll have to suffer them at least one more week. Please, oh please, get knocked out next round.

Smorgasborg

Today is one of those "talk of many things" days. I know I ran on long yesterday, but I've just got to share a few thoughts on non-Thanksgiving subjects, so that my mind can be clear to focus on All Things Thanksgiving the rest of the week!

1. The Playstation 3 frenzy. People camped out all night so they could be the first to purchase the gaming system, then other people shot some of those people to get their PS3 money or to get the game - I don't really know, but it doesn't really matter - it's insanity either way. This goes back to my Ikea post. Do you think that if you play the game on Tuesday instead of Monday, it will play differently? Will you be compensated with untold wealth by playing it a day early? Will all your old games blow up like instructions to James Bond on the day of PS3's release, so that, like a drug addict, you'll suffer some kind of physical withdrawal in the days until you can play again, with your new $500 PS3? I'm sorry to break the news to all you gamers out there, but if you're purchaser #1,000, a week after the launch, it's the same good, old-fashioned, shoot 'em up, alien, DnD, Grand Theft Auto fun that Line Camper #1 got. Plus you got a good night's sleep in your own bed with no guns in your face. Don't be chump.

In the interest of full disclosure, I should admit what you've probably already figured out: I don't play computer games. I'm glad of this. I'm sure they're just loads of fun, but I seem to entertain myself aplenty without them, and they seem to become a bit of an obsession for people who play them, and frankly, I don't have time for any obsessions. I barely keep all my life's ducks in a row as it is. If I had to add an obsession to the mix, well, the whole operation would just go off the rails.

2. The Shat. I haven't watched William Shatner's new game show, nor do I have much interest in doing so. I like William Shatner - I think he's kitschy and has a great sense of humor about himself. There are worse things in life than being pigeon-holed for a role in the 60s and parlaying it into a lifetime of money and fame. Robert Reed could've gotten a sense of humor about his Mike Brady days and had a better life for it, but I digress. My issue isn't Shatner or the game show or game shows in general. My issue is that he's calling himself "The Shat." Has anyone informed Bill that "shat" is the past tense of "shit." It's like calling yourself, "The Crapped." "The Pooped." "The Farted." Today I shit. Tomorrow I will shit. Yesterday I shat. And then I hosted a game show.

3. Stranger Than Fiction. My new favorite movie. Again, in the interst of full disclosure, I'm a Will Ferrell fanatic. I love him. Everything he does cracks me up, and I've rooted for years that his would be a long and successful career. To my great delight, he has taken a step that could ensure that. If you haven't seen "Stranger Than Fiction," get thee to a theater. It's freakin' genius. And my Will has proven he has range and talent that extends past the male Spartan cheerleader. Yes, I laughed at his Harold Crick, but there was so much more to the role and Ferrell's performance than just making the audience laugh. He was subtle and vulnerable and nuanced. He was fantastic. And he held his own with a stellar cast, including Emma Thompson, Dustin Hoffman, Maggie Gyllenhaal and Queen Latifah (another intelligent, talented person with a grassroots start who grew and grew and never disappoints me whatever she does). I just loved him and the movie! Will, baby, you just opened a whole new door for yourself on the kinds of movies you can do. You know, Tom Hanks, started out in comedy. I ain't sayin', I'm just sayin'.

(Oh, and for those with a good eye, when you see the movie, keep an eye out for the Sonic commercial guys and Buster from Arrested Development - more Suzanne favs!)

Okay, I'm out - everyone have a great Thanksgiving!

The end will be so anticlimactic now.

TAR - very disappointing outcome last night. So, before I get to my recap (I'm trying to avoid discussing it for as long as possible), I'll update you on the laptop situation.

I took Big Mac and G3 to the Apple Store on Friday so they could transfer my info and wipe G3's hard drive. They did, but with a bit of hesitation - like at first they didn't want to live up to what they said they'd do (namely, doing those two things free of charge), then they only did the data transfer, then when I asked them to wipe G3's hard drive (as they said they would), the arrogant little a-hole at the store (who I've been annoyed by in the past) tried to just get me to do it myself by simply reinstalling the operating system...that would NOT constitute wiping the hard drive, you big jerk.

They finally did all that they were supposed to, but I was a little concerned after Apple Store Jerk had tried to pull that about the install disks, so I tried to check to see if the wipe had actually been done. When I booted G3 up, it booted up to a registration page ("Welcome! Wilkommen! [other languages welcoming me] In just a few short steps, you can register your Mac...select what country you're in...). I couldn't actually get to a directory to make sure none of my documents were still there without registering the machine, which I didn't want to do. That's what the new owner should do when I sell it, and if I did it, I wouldn't know how to get back to that screen when I was done checking the hard drive. So, I'm going on faith that if you're starting at the registration screen, they've done what they were supposed to do. Just reinstalling the operating system shouldn't start you at that level - registering your machine. Right?

God, I hope so. All I need is some shmuck stealing my identity from my old computer. I think I'd sue freakin' Apple into the ground if that happened - if they didn't wipe the drive for real and my identity got stolen...assuming I could prove that's what happened. But that's negative thinking. Must be positive. Lalalalala! Everything's great! All is well! They wiped the drive! It's safe to sell! (That rhymed. I could chant it like a mantra...)

Okay, TAR recap. This will be quick.

First task: fly to Kiev. The Barbies made their idiot comment in the first segment. When discussing where Chernobyl was, one says she knows that it's "where the atomic bomb went off." No, you moron, that would be Japan. Chernobyl is where a nuclear reactor melted down. No bomb. Just stark, sudden terror about nuclear power worldwide. No buildings leveled and people burned into concrete. Just a bizarre ghost town of a place that's still too radioactive for anyone to live there - or be there for more than about 15 minutes (I'm not sure of the actual time frame that it's safe to be there...but it ain't long). But why don't you go there and see if you can find a clue. Search real hard. For a long time.

An interesting note from when everyone was in the airport, waiting to depart for Kiev. It was 9:17 pm and still daylight outside. Then the next morning at 5:45 am, it was already light again. Hoo-boy, it's weird when the daylight hours get all screwed up. When we went to Alaska this summer, sunrise was somewhere around 4:00 am. That'll throw you.

The outcome of this leg was pretty much determined in this first segment. The Kens (the models) and the Barbies had a different flight than the rest of the teams. Both flights were scheduled to arrive at the same time, but the flight with the other teams was delayed, giving the Kens and Barbies a time advantage in Russia that they kept for the entire segment.

Roadblock: drive Russian tanks.
I could've done this! That would've been fun.

Task: find apartment in Kiev.
The snitty remark by the Kens about the Chos and their booksmarts certainly sounded like someone who is jealous of someone else. You should be. You might win a reality show, but the Chos will win in life boys. Let's all check back in about 10 years and see where you all are.

The Chos really shot themselves in the foot during this leg of the race. They should've figured out long ago that Bama wasn't KY - they'll let you help them, but they're not going to do the same for you. And that's fine - you're down to 5 teams and it's time everyone played to win. But the Chos didn't get that, and they waited for Bama time and again. It's what killed them in the end. And let me say how irritating it was listening to Karlyn rip on the Chos and how often they stopped for directions or slowed down. I, too, got frustrated with that. But if it bothers you, pull up to them, tell them that you're getting antsy and you're going to break off and jet ahead, but good luck to you, and move on. Bitching about them in private and then just driving off? Well, isn't that just who you are?

Detour: Make the Music or Find the Music.
I guess I would've done Make the Music, though I would've sounded stupid. But you know it doesn't have to be good - you just have to slap some kind of lyrics down that mention all the countries you've been to and you'll get your clue. Not hard.

Drive to museum/Pit Stop.
Kens win. Barbies second. It only gets worse from there. Rob and Kim get third with Bama pulling up 4th. Chos are out, which means I officially don't care who wins anymore. I don't like any of the teams that are left. That's the first time with TAR that I've gotten to this point. I've always had at least one team in the final that I could root for. But not this time. (sigh)

Big Mac is here!

By "here" I mean that it's in my car, awaiting transport to the Apple Store today so the techs can copy the info over from G3 and then wipe G3's hard drive. I have to ask them exactly what it is they'll be copying over - just the docs I created, or software or what? Big Mac has an updated operating system and some updated software, and I wouldn't want any of that replaced with old stuff! That's probably a really stupid question - what is it they're copying? - but I've never done a transfer before from an old machine to a new one, so what am I - psychic?!

So, I'm very late in getting to the Wurstfest recap. In fact, I'm so late, that mostly I'm just going to throw a few pictures onto the old blog here and comment. Don't worry, friends - I won't put up any of the ones where meat on a stick features too prominently. :) Okay, here we go:

Wurstfest is about many things. Sausage - goes without saying. Oompah music (this guy played that accordian like it was an electric guitar, and he was Eddie Van Halen).


Funny hats.


Dancing.


Conga lines (there are actually two conga lines here, passing in opposite directions in front of the stage).


But first and foremost (let's not kid ourselves), it's about beer.


In fact, I think that only after an appropriate amount of beer, can you properly pick out the right hat.


Beer can help you think about things...like recycling the sticks from your sausage.


It can help give you the courage to ride the ferris wheel.


And it can help you get down with your bad self to "Play that Funky Music Kraut Boy."




So, if you visit Wurstfest next year, and if you live in Central Texas, you just kinda suck if you don't, don't be afraid of the $17 (domestic) pitchers. I know it's pricey, but really, it's all about properly arming yourself for the experience. I mean, if you're going to go swimming, you don't go without a bathing suit, now do you?

It'd take more than Abba.

So, this morning I hear on the news that a new Ikea store is opening in Round Rock today. "Oh really?" I think. "Okay." I mean, I like Ikea well enough, but it's a store. A place to go buy things. We've got 50 million of them (stores, not Ikeas) within a 30 mile radius. Does this really qualify as news?

Then the reporter says that people have been camping out for days in anticipation. Camping out? Are you kidding me? It's a *store*! Perhaps no one explained this to the people camping out - maybe they thought it was some hip, new band, and they were in line for tickets. Could that be it?

The reporter says the store is playing Abba for the campers. Ikea is Swedish, you see. Well, that right there would tell anyone that a hip, new band is not involved. So, we're back to assuming that these people know they're camping out for a *store* opening.

Maybe they're giving stuff away - like they do on the day after Thanksgiving. iPods for $5!!!!

The reporter interviews one of the campers. I don't remember her name, so let's call her Sad Lady. Sad Lady proceeds to say how she took a day off from work so she could spend the entire day walking down every single aisle of the new Ikea. She took a vacation day, people. I assume it was a vacation day and not a sick day since she's appearing on the morning news where he bosses are likely to see her. Anyway, I'm waiting, but there's no mention of free stuff. There's some babbling about not having to go to Austin to shop (because the nearest Austin mall is what - 10 miles away?), and I'm sure there was more, but I was distracted by her wide-eyed, somewhat dazed, over-excited demeanor, and I kind of stop listening to her.

Eventually, the reporter broke off and jumped back to the studio where one anchor marveled at Sad Lady's stamina, what with wanting to walk every aisle ("That place is huge!" - I assume he knows this from visiting other Ikeas since the reporter never stepped inside. Yes, other Ikeas. There are lots of them. Yet another reason I fail to see the need for camping out. It's not exactly the first launch of the space shuttle.), and the other anchor acted like she wished she could be out there with Sad Lady.

I personally would rather stand through a congressional filibuster with a hearing aid turned too loud than spend an entire day roaming the halls of Ikea - or any store, for that matter. I just don't have that kind of shopping stamina. I really don't. I may have said this before, but I'm good for about an hour to an hour and a half of shopping and then I just simply don't care anymore. After that, I may buy something I don't like just to have the searching over with, or (more likely) pass by perfectly good sale prices on items I actually want just because I can't garner the interest to actually transact the purchase anymore.

So, the concept of camping out all night, in the cold, in anticipation of shopping for an entire day in one store (a store that exists in cities all over the nation, and I assume the world) - well, I'm sorry. You're just speaking Chinese now. I can't understand you. You're speaking, but nonsense is flowing out of your mouth. As Ali G once said, "Can't understand what you sayin' - you speakin' in Canada."

But you enjoy yourself, Sad Lady. I have to assume you have precious little else.

Keep on racing!

Okay - a day late, but here is my TAR recap!

The teams' first task was to fly to Helsinki, Finland. They were given tickets but told they didn't have to use them. This didn't add too much to the drama since all the teams ended up on an earlier flight. The only question was if Bama would make it. I'm glad they did because I've seen teams in earlier seasons lose the whole leg on that one element - you get one late flight and it's over. But everyone caught up and started even in Helsinki.

The Blondes' idiot quote of this episode happened here in the first sequence when one of the morons asked if Finland was where people wore wooden shoes. That was followed by one of them pronouncing the city "Helinski."

Once in HelSINKi, the teams went to an Internet cafe where not only did they get their next clue, but they also got video messages from their families. Bama cried - it was sweet.

The next task was to go to a school in...Soap and Car Lou? I don't know - it was something Finnish and unpronounceable. The teams took cabs, and we saw a bit of why the Bama girls aren't really as nice and good as the Cho's and KY. They cut in front of a whole line of people for a cab - just shoved aside a guy who was at the front of the line after he told them everyone was in line. And we wonder why people call us "Rude Americans"? Not good karma, Bama. And you need it - you're just hangin' in there.

Detour: Swamp This or Swamp That.
I would've done Swamp This. Not much to say here.

Next they took a train to Turku and went down into a mine for their next clue. The models took time to change after the swamp Detour before getting into their cab and heading to the train station. That was stupid. Just change in the cab or on the train. They lost time, and the Blondies got out ahead of them. Unfortunately, my least favorite teams, the models and Blondies, got the first train. At least Rob and Kim got stuck on the second one with the Chos and Bama.

[There was a commercial break before they got to the mine, and I must take time here to comment on two of the commercials. The first had Ron Livingston doing a Sprint commercial. Really, Ron? A commercial? Those cell phone companies must pay a fortune. First Catherine Zeta-Jones and now Ron Livingston.

The second was a Hallmark commercial. A bunch of people are stranded in an aiport - possibly for hours - and a woman and her kids bust out a singing snowman noisemaker statue thing. Everyone gathers around and just smiles and laughs - everybody is happy now! They don't even listen to the ticket agent when he says they can board now! Let me tell you how that would go if it were me stuck at the airport and that tinny singing started. "Lady, if you don't turn that thing off right now, I'm not going to be held responsible for what happens." "My KIDS want to hear it!" "And I want to be on a plane right now, and I'm not. Life is full of disappointment. I still hear that thing bleating out a cheery tune, so now this is happening." I pick up said singing statue, bust it on the floor, and end up in airport jail. Thank you, Hallmark, for ruining my holiday.]

Back to the action. The teams each have to wait their turns to enter the mine. The Blondies, while waiting their turn, employ their usual 12-year-old personas to comment about the models, who have gotten there first: "Darn it. Those stupid boys." And then when they had to chisel open the piece of limestone for their clue, one pointed the chisel out to the other and says, "Grab this pokey thing." Good lord, get out of 7th grade. Rob was some kind of weirdo as he tried to catch up to the Chos and Bama in the mine. He was whooping and hollering, "I'm comin' for ya!!" Try decaf next time, kay Rob?

Last task of this episode was to drive to the Olympic stadium. When the teams got there, they had to rapel down a tower face first. I would *really* hate that! And it looked like models were doing it in their socks! Did anyone else see that?

I said this was the last task of the episode, not the leg, because at the end of the tower rapelling, the models found out that...they're still racing! The leg ain't over. Yay! Next Sunday I guess we'll see the other teams rapel down and then pick things up from there. I'm rooting specifically for the Chos to win everything now, but they're going to have to pick it up. No more waiting around for Bama or any of that crap. Get to it, Chos!

Well, crap.

Something has told me all season that my Longhorns wouldn't be playing for the national championship again. I don't know what it was exactly - just a feeling. Maybe it was because I knew Vince was gone and we had a freshman taking the wheel, and it would take time for him to get his feet under him. But taking my eye off the crystal football meant I could quit worrying about that and just enjoy the fantastic development of Colt McCoy. I honestly never dreamed he'd get so good so fast. Who would have thought that until Saturday, we would be in the top 5 and our only loss would be to the #1 Ohio State Buckeyes? I mean, with a freshman at the helm, that's just incredible!

And that's why it was such a blow when we lost Colt on the first drive on Saturday, and such a disappointment when Jevan Snead couldn't get it going for us and we lost to unranked Kansas State. I blame myself - just about a week ago, I told my friend Clint that I worried we weren't getting Snead more playing time - that if something happened to Colt, he wouldn't be ready. And damned if something didn't happen to Colt, and Snead clearly wasn't ready. My fault - I'm sorry I said that without knocking on some wood. My bad.

Snead was some kind of high school QB phemon. He and Colt were neck-and-neck for the starter position in the pre-season. I think everyone hoped he'd be able to just step in on Saturday and take over. But he's just not where Colt is. Colt really is great, and he's grown so quickly this season. Jevan hasn't had the time running the offense that Colt has, so he hasn't been able to develop the same way, and Saturday that bit us in the ass. That. just. sucks.

Alot of people had come to think that we had a shot at playing for the national championship again. One-loss teams were dropping, and next weekend either Ohio State or Michigan is going down, so it looked good for us. But I just couldn't get on board with it. I figured we'd play in a BCS bowl if won out the rest of the season, but I just didn't think we'd be in the big game. And now, with 2 losses, that's a certainty.

We'll get a bowl game - it's just a question of whether a BCS bowl is still a possibility. But someone else will get the crystal football this year. My prediction is Ohio State. They're phenomenal, and quite frankly, I'm rooting for them to get it. They deserve it. For us, I think it's been a great season, and it's not over yet. I want a win on November 24 (I've got an extra ticket - anyone want to go with me???)! I'm so proud of Colt and the job he's done, and I'm so very, very pleased we'll have him for the next 3 years (or at least the next 2). Hook 'em! And on to the aggies!!

(I have a TAR recap, but will do it tomorrow - I had to address the football situation today!)

The time has come.

Oh my, what a week. I haven't been AWOL - I've just been slammed and having computer problems. My Mac laptop, which I neglected to ever name, to my shame, started getting glitchy last week. The monitor started acting like it was getting surges of electricity or something - the screen would sort of have a spasm and then at one point, after it went blank because I'd stepped away for too long, I couldn't get it to come back. It wasn't asleep; it was in a coma. I actually had to take the battery out to kill it and start all over.

I've had it go buggy on me before...right before the hard drive died. So, I flew into action immediately. I backed up the whole hard drive to an external hard drive, and made an appointment at the Mac Hospital (i.e. the Apple store in Barton Creek Mall) as soon as I could. That proved a challenge, by the way. The only way to make appointments in advance is to pay $100 to be some sort of club member. Since I have to go there less than once a year, that would be idiotic. The club comes with other features - like tutoring sessions on software. But I usually have one of my co-workers show me stuff I need to know, so again, not worth $100. Since I'm not willing to pay to be a club member, that means I have to try and get an appointment on the day of. Not easy. I think people wait until 12:01 a.m. and then log in and start making appointments. I got stuck with a 6:40 p.m. appointment on Tuesday (Monday they didn't have any available at all by the time I logged on). I had my book club that evening, so that was unfortunate - I had to eat, say a few words about the book, then bolt to the mall.

The Mac Doctor gave a grave prognosis. It wasn't terminal, but treatment was necessary. My logic board is going out. $300 repair. Unfortunately for G3 (as I shall now call the laptop), its HMO (SuzanneCare) was unwilling to pay treatment costs. I already had plans to upgrade a bunch of stuff on it. By the time I did the repairs and the upgrades, I'd be halfway to a new machine - and that's not counting the new hard drive I put in last year. As G3's owner, I had to make the tough call. G3 is being kept comfortable until it can be peacefully euthanized. I have purchased a new Apple laptop online, which I shall dub Big Mac.

Mac Doctor told me that if my made my purchase through the Barton Creek Mall store's page on the Apple site, they would transfer my old information onto Big Mac and wipe G3's hard drive for free. I will then put G3 on eBay, where someone will most likely buy it for parts. If someone wants to shell out the $300 for a new logic board, though, that's an option, too. It'll be up to the marketplace to decide G3's fate. G3 will be buried (sold) with its carrying case, spare battery and cables/accoutrement that won't work with Big Mac. Big Mac is a refurbished MacBook, 13.3-inch screen, 60G hard drive, combo drive. G3 is an iBook, 12-inch screen, 20G hard drive, combo drive. I decided not to pay extra for the SuperDrive since I have a DVD burner at home - a separate unit that I don't use enough to justify paying for a built-in one and getting rid of the one I have. Big Mac will be bigger and faster than G3, so it should be nice.

Until Big Mac arrives at Casa del Staton, G3 is still limping along. I'm using it sparingly, though - thus the lack of posts this week. Hopefully, I can get some Wurstfest pics on here next week and catch up.

Mad-at-a-gas-car

Wurstfest was great - will blog about that later, but I've had a request to get on the stick and give my TAR recap, so here goes!

The teams' first task was to travel to Madagascar. When I was a kid, I used to play Risk with my brother, and the memory clue I used for Madagascar was to call it "Mad-at-a-gas-car." But that's neither here nor there. Let's chat about what happened in this segment.

The Beauty Queens took someone else's car because they wrecked theirs. Of course they did. Bitches. Luckily, the Cho's, who got stuck with the BQ's wrecked car, were not slowed by getting stuck with it, and everyone caught up at the airport.

In Madagascar, the teams had to find the "black angel" in a lake. It bites that the first three teams passed the angel, which is now painted white, leaving the BQ's to get there first. Whatever happened to karma?

Once there, though, the BQ's, then other teams, realized that they'd have to work with another team for the Detour. I couldn't help but grind my teeth at the way Kandice smiled happily while saying the other teams hate them and no one would want to work with them.

Detour: Long Sleep or Short Letter.
Both sets of a joined teams went for Long Sleep, which is what I would've done, too. I think this may be the fist time that no one went for the other possibility in a Detour. Anyway, I wanted to scream when the Cho's got stuck with the BQ's. The BQ's kept acting like the Cho's were the lucky ones to be teamed with them. And I cringed audibly (didn't know you could, but you can) when one of the BQ's said to the Cho's "You are Asian. We could've made paper!" Bitchy *and* racist. Fab-o. On the van to the Detour site, the BQ's kept trying to dis the other teams and talk about lucky they and the Cho's were to be teamed, and the Cho's wouldn't even look at them. They must've been ready to gag.

And one more comment on the BQ's - I'm about sick of hearing them say, "Shoot!" when something goes wrong, like they're innocents whose sweet, honest souls can't be soiled with foul language. I'll take a "Shit!" with integrity anyday. Oh yeah - the smiles, too. The day I can watch TAR without looking at their Crest Whitestrips teeth glaring at me will be a red-letter day.

Bama and KY were ruining those mattresses, by the way, by dragging them instead of carrying them. I can't imagine the customers receiving those mattresses were too happy when they received them!

Fast Forward: While the other four teams were stumbling around delivering mattresses and collecting rubber stamps, the Models and Kim and Rob were choking down plates of cow lips for the honor of jetting directly to the Pit Stop. That would've been a problem for me. As I've said before, Suzanne doesn't do eating challenges. I'd have been there with Kim, puking under the table. For those who missed it, James polished off his plate first, saying he was glad he finally found something in this game he's good at. Tyler was next, then Rob, who certainly gagged and may have puked at one point. He seriously looked like he was stunned by the whole exercise, and I enjoyed that immensely. But he did manage to finish, and then they were all really supportive of Kim until she finished. It was as nice as any of them have been all game.

Road Block: rubber stamps.
This was the task the non-Fast Forward teams had to complete after the mattresses. They had to wander around a market, collecting 4 specific stamps on a piece of paper from various vendors. The BQs did this the fastest and actually managed to beat out the Fast Forward teams for first place. You can guess how I felt about that.

The Chos finished next, and then David and Mary, but because D&M weren't first, they had to step aside and wait 30 minutes before they could check in. Unfortunately, Bama was not a full 30 minutes behind them. They made it to the Pit Stop 10 minutes after D&M, causing D&M to be eliminated. I was sorry to see them go, but not surprised. They've been hanging on by the skin of their teeth for the last few rounds.

I am very proud of them, though. They said that because of this experience, they now know that they love Kentucky and that it will always be their home and their identity, but they don't have to be limited to it. They said they want to travel more of the world, and they want to share it with their kids so their kids will have a wider experience than they had. I think that's awesome! I think they've grown during this race, and that other people have grown as a result of knowing them and watching them, and I think that's fantastic. I hope the future holds good things for them.

That's it for this week! I'll give the low-down on Wurstfest as soon as I can - maybe tomorrow, but I'm not sure. I'm having some computer problems, and I'll have to see how that all plays out.

Everyone go vote tomorrow! Let your voice be heard! It's a privilege and an obligation to all the people who fought to give us this freedom. Don't belittle their sacrifice by blowing it off.

Raise your steins.

It's been a busy week, so I haven't had much time to post, but here I am for a quick shot before the weekend!

Tomorrow is the day my friends and I attend that glorious event: Wurstfest! Yes, it is time again for the 10-day salute to sausage. Since I'm too old for 10 continuous days of beer and my figure would suffer irreparable harm from 10 straight days of sausage, I just participate in a 1-day salute, but I do my best to make that one day count!

I'm very excited about the many food booths, the rides and the oompah music. Ziggy Zoggy, Ziggy Zoggy, Oy! Oy! Oy! Maybe I should start shouting that out at the office just to practice.

Speaking of the office, I saw on my boss's calendar that he, also, intends to be at Wurstfest tomorrow. This is unacceptable. When I am not at work, I like to pretend I don't actually have to work - the office and all that goes with it do not exist - I am an independently wealthy free spirit whose time is her own. Intrusions into my personal life from work-related people and situations shatters my fantasy. Also, there's that "professionalism" thing. At work, I put on a "professional" hat. I'm quiet. I'm adult. I'm reasonable. When some psycho from another department acts like a wretch, I repress the urge to beat her with a stick like I'd like to and instead I say things like, "I probably didn't make myself clear when I told you I needed that today. It's probably my fault. I'm sure you're right that 'I need that Tuesday' was ambiguous and I'm totally inconsiderate of your time. I probably *should* be fired, as you suggest. If you were the manager here, everything would be so much smoother. But I do actually need that today, so if you could make that happen, you'd be a rock star. You're the best. I wish I were you."

But when I'm not at work, I like to be myself. I like to drink beer and sing loudly. I like to dance like a Solid Gold dancer and I'm not afraid to look stupid (in the name of humor - I'm not a huge fan of just looking stupid in general). I don't wear "office clothes" and when some psycho causes me grief, I say things like, "What the hell is wrong with you?" My friends and family can't imagine the work me. They think it's an alternate universe when I tell them stories of my heroic self-restraint on the job. My friends are who I can complain to about work and the people who annoy me there.

So, you can imagine why the possibility of running into my boss at a beer-soaked salute to sausage with my friends could be...undesired. I've thought about how to handle it if I see him. I've decided the best approach is to gaslight him.

My boss: "Suzanne? Hey there! Are you having fun?"

Me, funny hat on my head, sausage on a stick in one hand, beer in the other, pupils slightly dilated: "Excuse me?"

"Are you having fun? Here at Wurstfest."

"I'm not at Wurstfest."

"Ha, ha! How much have you had to drink?"

"Nothing. I'm at home on my couch drinking a Coke and watching football. I can see that you think I'm at Wurstfest, but I'm not. You're not actually seeing me."

"What?"

"I'm a figment. In fact, I'm not convinced you're actually there either. Am I wearing a hat? If so, you're just dreaming. Wake up! Wake up!"

If I do it with enough conviction, it could work.

The field narrows.

What a great weekend I just had! It really was nice. I have to go on record as saying that Austin really is the coolest place on the planet for Halloween. Unfortunately, I have to get to my TAR recap, so I can't spend much time talking about the weekend, but I'll give this speed summary:

* Friday night - out with lots of friends in the Warehouse district. Saw fun bands, ate pizza on the sidewalk, got home much too late.
* Saturday - Football, football, football. Had two games going at all times, USC got knocked off and Texas pulled out a barn-burner. Can't ask for more than that.
* Saturday night - Donned costume for Greatest American Heroes Halloween show and had a blast. Got to sing again with band on Three's Company theme. Tired, but happy camper when I got home.
* Sunday - got much needed yardwork done and spent the day watching Halloweenish shows and enjoying an extra hour of sleep.

Now. TAR.

1. Fly to Mauritius.

- I've never heard of this place, but it looked gorgeous.

- The Beauty Queens at the airport. What country is London in? What side of your butt is your brain in? Idiots. And let's go a step further and call them what they are: bitches. That little stunt with trying to cut the models in front of Alabama at the ticket counter showed the BQs for what they are. They don't help anyone - they weren't trying to be allied with the models or to help them - they just wanted to stick it to Lyn and Karlyn. That's not about playing the game - that's about screwing with someone because you don't like them, and nothing more. Ugly on the inside, ladies. Oh, and the models acting like Alabama was overreacting - like they weren't complete dicks for cutting? Ugly on the inside, gentlemen. Karma is waiting for both teams.

- Lyn and Karlyn (Karlyn particularly) have made it clear that while they'll work with the 6-pack to an extent, they're not going to put themselves out. I agree with them in principle - you can't just stop playing, and I'm not sure I'd go as far as the Cho's and Kentucky. The Cho's will hang around and wait for the other teams to finish a task and such, and I don't think that's smart. I think in an alliance you share information and resources and help someone out when it's not to your detriment, but I don't think you should be working against yourself to help someone, and no one should expect you to. The Cho's could have finished higher than they did this week if they weren't holding themselves back for Alabama and Kentucky, and it's getting too late in the game to be giving up position.

So, I'm with Alabama in theory, but there's something a bit too harsh about Karlyn. Not only would she not put herself out, but I get the definite impression that she doesn't really give a crap about the other teams, period. I get the feeling she'll be happy to take from other teams, but wouldn't particularly give anything. I mean, they've gotten the benefit of the 6-pack and the other teams helping them, but when was the last time Alabama actually did anything for anyone else - gave them information or helped them in any way? It's all well and good not to shoot yourself in the foot and sacrifice yourself for someone else, but if you're not going to bring anything to the table, and you're just going to take, but not give to the alliance, why should the other teams stay allied with you? Kentucky and the Cho's need to wake up about Alabama.

2. Drive to Grand Baie.

- Mary said it's a rite of passage in KY to throw your kid into a lake and make them swim out...without having actually taught them to swim. I wonder if funerals for their children are a rite of passage for parents in KY? Newsflash, Mary - if your husband tells you that a childhood "rite of passage" traumatized him for life, it's probably a "rite" that should be retired.
- Models get lost. That would be the karma I mentioned.

3. Go to Case Noyale post office.

- Models assume that Cho's are allied with KY and AL because they want to knock off strong teams for the Cho's own benefit. No, Biff and Chip - that's why YOU would do it. The Cho's allied with KY and AL because they think they're nice people.
- Are Rob and Kimberly stupid? They tried to ally with the BQ's. They must be.
- Models lost again. Uh-huh.
- BQ's have a wreck. I laughed - out loud. Too bad it didn't slow them more.
- Question: can the navigator not ever sub in as driver? Are you stuck in your driver/navigator role for the duration of the game?

4. Roadblock: Salt or Sea.

- I would've chosen salt. That might've been a bad idea after seeing all the other teams struggle with that and then give up.
- Did you see the BQ's waving at the other teams as they passed them? Again, they're showing their true colors. They weren't just waving at teams to be friendly - only waving at teams they have a good relationship with. They waved at everyone, and it was an "in your face" maneuver disguised as friendliness. When they pulled it with AL, you knew all you needed to know. These women are total bitches. Please Lord, do not let them win this game.

5. Pit Stop.

- Disappointing end to this round. My 3 least favorite teams checked in 1, 2, 3.
- I can't believe David and Mary survived another non-elimination round. I'm betting that's the last one, and I'm betting D&M will be out in the next round.

Trick or treat! Smell my feet!

I wrote this long blog the other day, complete with pictures and pithy musings - really put some time into it. And Blogger lost the whole thing before ever getting it posted. There's not even a draft of it. I wanted to scream. And I decided I wasn't going to rewrite the freakin' thing - I like writing the blog and all, but girlfriend has a life, ya know.

So, we're in Halloween week. I like Halloween. It's fun to be creative and figure out what to dress up as each year. Luckily, I have fun-loving friends who actually do dress up. I dated a guy last year who acted lost by the whole concept. I knew then that he and I were destined to be a transitory thing, and I was right. I was having a party, and I told him that he didn't have to dress up, but he'd be pretty much be the only one without a costume. At first, Mr. Uptight was going to stick with his "no costume" plan, but eventually, when he must've figured out he really was going to be the only one without a costume, and thus, seen as lame, he finally agreed to wear one, but I had to figure out what it should be since he had no imagination. I came up with something creative, but not too "out there" since Lord knows he couldn't have handled anything to extravagent. My own costume sucked. Luckily, I was at home and among friends.

This year, I'm not throwing a party. I am going out Saturday night to a Halloween-themed show, though, and need a costume. I needed something TV-themed, and I had my heart set on Wonder Woman, but after driving over half of Austin, I couldn't find a Wonder Woman costume in stock. Holy disappointment, Batman! There was a Super Girl in stock, but who the hell wants to be Super Girl [sound of game show buzzer, indicating you may collect your Rice-a-Roni prize and get off the stage]? My second choice was Jeannie, which I have seen many times in many stores, but apparently this year, Jeannie is out, because I couldn't find a Jeannie costume anywhere. When did sexy, blonde harem girls with magical powers go out of style? Strike two. Last on my list was Mary Ann from Gilligan's Island. For this costume, I can use stuff I already have, so I don't have to rely on anyone to have anything in stock. But I must admit, that after putting on the costume I came up with for this one, I wasn't too excited. But what're you gonna do? So, barring any big changes today or tomorrow, it looks like I'll be Mary Ann. I hope it doesn't suck.

I also plan to avoid the trick-or-treaters this year. I have a bunch of them in my neighborhood, and while I run out of candy every year, I'm at least getting better at figuring out how much I need to last later and later. The problem is that after the cutie-pie little kids have come and gone, you start getting punk-ass teenagers who don't bother to dress up and shove an open backpack in front of you for you to drop candy into. This is not the Halloween spirit, and I do not enjoy spending my money on candy to give to these reprobates. Little kids in costume? Absolutely. But semi-adults with an attitude? No, thanks.

I also didn't do any decorating. I have a pumpkin, and I'll carve that if I get around to it this weekend, but that's as far as I am this year. I didn't purposely refuse to decorate. It just never made it to the top of my to-do list. So, I'm going to hide out at the movies while the tricking and treating is taking place. My next-door neighbors sit outside and feed the masses, so they can keep an eye on my place and assure everyone that lack of lights on my porch indicates a lack of candy. I can be entertained for a few hours and avoid the whole exercise. I promise to be more festive when Christmas gets here.

Camping!

This past weekend I went camping with some family and friends. We went to Palmetto State Park, a nice little park between Luling and Gonzales. There was much to like about the park and our camp site, and a few things that could've been better, but overall, it was a great weekend! A good time was had by all.

I got to the park on Friday afternoon and got all my stuff set up. This was the view driving up to the park headquarters:


Gorgeous day, pretty park. Let me apologize, by the way, for the fact that the pictures on here today are different sizes. I did half of them too large and didn't feel like reloading them.

We opted for an extra-large site instead of two smaller sites, which worked out well for the most part. We had a double-sized picnic table, which was great, and an actual tent pad, so we didn't have to worry about rocks and sticks poking holes in our tents or gouging us in our sleep. Nice set up. The only downside to this site was that we were literally only a few yards from the main road:



(My brother's tent is in the foreground, and the patch of beige visible through the trees is the highway). This meant we heard trucks and trailers passing by all night, and it sounded like they were about to barrel right through our tents. We all agreed that next time we came to this park, we'd rather be in the park's other section, which is away from the road. What we did have, as a result of being where we were, though, was a pond and a river right across from us, and a beautiful artesian well built by the CCC in the 1930s.



Living in the pond were ducks!


(That's Julia and Justin feeding them on Sunday morning.) The ducks were a hoot. They're used to being fed by people, so they were ready to walk right up to you if you had food for them, but they weren't aggressive or mean - they wouldn't try to take it out of your hand or anything. They were very vocal, so of course, we also spent the weekend imitating them. Scott and Justin did a little fishing, and we did a whole lot of eating, roasting marshmallows and hangin' by the campfire.











Saturday night, a cold front blew in, and we were mighty chilly Sunday morning. The temperature was probably in the 50s, but it was very windy, and that made it really cold. This was a big change from the temps in the 80s that we'd had on Saturday. We hovered around the campfire until the wind died down a little and the sun warmed things up. What's a little camping without some crazy weather, though, right?



We'll have to do it again this Spring everyone!

Where to next - Iraq?

I went camping this weekend, and I'll blog about that tomorrow. For today, let's just tackle The Amazing Race!

Okay, so we started by sending the teams to Kuwait. Kuwait. WTF? Is that really the best place to send a bunch of Americans playing a game to win a million dollars? Why not Iran?

Anyway, I wanted to gag when Peter claimed he and Sarah needed a seat because Sarah had a medical emergency because of her leg. He'll completely ignore her disability when he's yelling at her to hurry all over India, but gee, if he can use it to get a quick airline ticket...jerk.

The Blondes were no better with their little Miss California and Miss NY ploy. How big of an idiot was she trying to high five the clerk?

I loved that even though the models got the first flight out, everyone else caught up. Oh, and when did Bombay cease to be Bombay? I'm sure it's probably been something ridiculous, like 50 years, but I was sad to know there's not actually a Bombay anymore.

(Do we have to call for Dr. Mumbai now?)

Fast Forward or Road Block.
I'm glad David and Mary had the FF all to themselves. I can't imagine any other season where that would've happened like that - a team willing to pretend to go for it in order to clear the way for another team, but I wonder if the producers will re-think the 30-minute penalty strategy for a non-elimination round followed by a FF round. Guess we'll see. The Cho brothers definitely filled their karma cup to the rim with that, and they've officially leapt to the top of my list for who to root for.

I definitely could have done this Road Block. I don't like heights, but this was a ladder in a tube, and that I could do. I want to know why Sarah has had to do all of the Road Blocks for their team, though. Did Peter do any of them? Also, I think I would've gotten the puzzle quickly. I'm pretty good at puzzles.

Doofus moment of this episode: Kimberly thinking they were looking for a "grand mask." Good lord, does anyone in 2006 not know that if you're in the Middle East, you're looking for a MOSQUE?

Detour: Manual or Automatic.
- I would've chosen automatic. I wouldn't have wanted to wrestle with 110 lb. bags.
- I loved that when Peter tried to screw over the Chos on where the next clue was, the Chos totally knew he was lying and didn't believe him.
- Peter showed his usual dickness in the car on the way to the pit stop. Sarah had trouble with the map, and when she said she didn't know where the place was, instead of saying something even the least bit supportive or positive, like, "I know - it's confusing. We're in a foreign country and don't have any bearings, but see if you can spot any landmarks, and let's go from there," he says, "No kidding you don't know!" I loved that he was wrong when he thought he'd spotted the sign for the pit stop and it turned out to be for the FF.

Pit Stop
I was glad David and Mary were first and, therefore, saved from elimination or the penalty. That was very like Mary to make sure she gave all the credit to the Chos. And what a relief that the Chos are still in it! #5 is pretty far behind at this point, but it's not last, and it's not eliminated. Peter and Sarah out. Ha. Ha. Ha. I'm thrilled that Peter is out, but sorry for Sarah that he'll always blame her...because he will. I'm very glad she's kicking him to the curb, though. That guy is a jerk.

Life is full of dilemmas.

It's one of life's questions. Do you buy flavored coffee and use regular creamer? Or do you buy regular coffee and use flavored creamer?

I loves the coffee. I do. I tried to buy into the tea thing, and I occasionally do partake of some nice Earl Grey or maybe a little fruit-infused something or other. It has its charms. And when I'm sick and needing to pump myself full of warm liquids at an unreasonable pace, it fits the bill better than anything else. But tea just doesn't do it for me like coffee does.

Coffee is bold and rich, and once you've blended in some Coffee Mate or International Delight, it's irresistably creamy. It's like warm ice cream soothing you while simultaneously pumping you up. It's the perfect drink (alongside Coca-Cola, original flavor with all the caffeine God intended and preferably cane sugar instead of corn syrup...but that's a blog for another day).



I start each day with coffee - not right off the bat, the second I get up. You have to work your way up to that stage of addiction. No, I usually get up, watch some news, stretch. If it's an office day, I actually get completely ready for work and make it all the way to the office before jumping into Java Heaven. I fire up the computer, check my email for emergencies, figure out my plan for the day, then when I can devote proper attention to the coffee, I make it. If I'm at home, I usually get the coffee maker going once I've woken up a little. I don't rely on the coffee to wake me, you see. I get my feet under me, and then when I can properly consider the coffee and its glory, I perk.

I don't actually perk, though. My parents' perk. I have a drip-style coffee maker. I'm perfectly happy with it. I'm a coffee lover, not a coffee snob. I don't need special coffee equipment, and I don't have to buy expensive brands, and I don't harass the baristas at Starbucks with an elaborate ordering ritual for just exactly the right blend of beans and accoutrement. And I do like Starbucks. I know it's not popular to admit that - Buy Local! Starbucks Evil! Chains Should Die!

I'm actually largely on board with that sentiment about chains - I usually prefer independent vendors. They give more attention to service and being unique. Maybe it's an Austin thing, but I'll usually take an independent restaurant or shop, or a least a local one, even if they have more than one location, over a big chain. But there are exceptions. I love Target. And Lowe's. And Starbucks.



See, even Tony Blair likes it, and he's a Brit, making him a tea-lubber. But I can't afford to buy Starbucks on a daily basis. That brings me back to making my own coffee and my dilemma about flavors. I enjoy flavored, creamered coffee. So, do you buy regular coffee and add a flavored creamer? Or do you use plain creamer in a flavored coffee. I usually choose the flavored creamer. Good ole Folgers is reasonably priced, and flavored creamer isn't much more expensive than plain. So, that's a point for that setup. But there is the issue of variety. There are more varieties of flavored coffee than there flavored creamers. So, that's a point for the coffee. But the fat-free plain creamer seems more watery than the flavored kind for some reason, and that's definitely a point against the plain creamer. So, the debate rages on. I think I'll go drink some coffee and ponder it some more.

An ending of disappointment and relief.

This week's Amazing Race was interesting. I got a little off on the time because of the show getting pushed back thanks to a football game (I guess) and not starting right at 7:00, but I think about half the show centered on the first leg of the race - the flights to Chennai, India.

As soon as I heard "travel agency" I knew the teams would even up from their start times, because they'd have to wait until the agencies opened. I swear, sometimes it's better to not be first and have to get up in the middle of the night for the first start time, when everyone is just going to even up anyway. Give me the extra 15 minutes of sleep. In any case, it was interesting that they just said to find an agency, because rather than everyone bunching up at the airport for the same agents, people dispersed and different agents came up with different flights.

I found it interesting that Tyler and James feel that their experiences as drug addicts, what with the lack of control it imposed on their lives, gives them an advantage, since so much of the race is beyond their control. Whatever.

It was also funny watching Peter try to form alliances with people, after he saw some of the other teams sharing information. Yeah, Pete, they're teaming up because they like each other. No one likes you. And maybe your little performance making fun of Lyn/Karlyn and David/Mary might explain why no one likes you. Asshole.

One question, when The Cho's psyched Peter out on the train, pretending they made reservations for everyone in their group by cell phone, and Peter then found a cell phone to borrow and called a travel agent, was he able to get advance tickets or not? It sounded like he got the tickets when he was on the phone, but then I didn't see him walzing into an agent somewhere and picking up tickets.

And what's up with the ticket agent at the airport telling David and Mary they didn't have seats on the plane for them when the Cho's and Lyn/Karlyn both had an extra seat between them? Obviously, there were seats left on board. I realize you need seats both for the team and for the camera guys, but don't tell me that the two open seats we saw on camera were the ONLY two available seats on the whole plane.

India. Lots of opinions as the teams arrived. Most notable is Peter's remark, that, "We go from one polluted city to another."

Detour: Wild Things or Wild Rice.
Damn. What a choice. I think I'd have to go with the crocs, for the time factor, but sheeeesh. That rice drawing would take way too long, though. David and Mary really shot themselves in the foot choosing that.

As usual, I wanted to slap Peter. He jawed at Sarah the whole time she's trying to do the task, then harped on her constantly to hurry. When she finally tells him, tearfully, that he's pushing her too hard, his response? "Get it together, Sarah. Come on." Then he says he won't even try anymore if she can't keep up. What a dick. Sarah, run from him the second you get home. This is not someone to spend your life with. I was proud of her when he finally, disingenously, tells her the race is just for fun, and she says, "I'm not really having with you, Peter. I'm not."

Road Block: driver's license.
I know how to drive stick, so I'd be okay with the technical aspect (incidentally, I noticed this season that no one is unable to drive stick - good job, teams!) of the driving, but I'd probably get my instructor and I killed in that chaos they call traffic. What IS it with other countries and their Wild West style of driving?? It's like that in countries all over the globe -they're maniacs! I would normally think the "driving school" was just a joke, but considering the driving there, maybe not. And did anyone else think that instructor was really an Indian Elvis impersonator?

Pit Stop. Sarah and Peter are first. That's disappointing, since I can't stand Peter, but what an appropriate prize to give them - home gyms. I noticed they didn't embrace. I imagine Sarah just wants to finish the race and be done with Pete. Loved the Cho's shirts - it took me until the Pit Stop to realize what they said on the front! And YAY!!!!!! David and Mary weren't eliminated, and we have a new twist on what happens to teams who survive the non-elimination round. I like the new rules better than the old ones - that you have to arrive at the next Pit Stop first or incur a 30-minute penalty. That oughtta get David and Mary moving in the next round!

You don't needs nads to wax.

Friday, Friday! I'm very happy about the weekend, because I can sleeeep tomorrow morning! I've had allergies this week, and they make me tired, and no matter what time I go to bed, the alarm still went off much too early all week. So tomorrow, blissful sleep.

So, last night I did something I've never done before - something I had to tackle a little fear to do. I got a...bikini wax!!! I know - a bikini wax in October? Not exactly swimsuit season. But give me a break. I had to work up some courage. Besides I figured I'd check it out now - see if it's as bad as you hear, see how long it takes for the irritation that logically ensues from ripping hair out by the root to subside so you actually could put on that bathing suit and be seen in public without scaring small children, see how long it lasts. This is research.

To help me with the fear part, I made one of my friends go with me. She's never done it either and also wanted to check it out, so we went together. I researched reviews on the Web of various places and found one I was comfortable with. After a few false starts on getting an appointment (my friend and I had limited availability on when we could both do it, and then we had to keep re-setting the appointment as...female issues...caused us each to decide on different weeks that we needed, perhaps, one more week to be "ready"), we finally had D-Day last night.

I got there first, and the lady was able to get me right in, ahead of our appointment, so I was on my own for my appointment. She was very nice and really put me at ease - none of the awkwardness I was afraid I'd feel exposing my nether regions to a total stranger. I'm not even 100% comfortable with my annual gyno exam, and I've gone to my gyno for about 12 years, so that says alot about this woman's power to put you at ease. She handed me a pair of paper panties, then made me laugh telling me that some clients get a wee bit confused about how to wear them. The panties consist of two pieces of paper joined by little pieces of elastic. The paper covers your privates and the elastic sits your hips. Pretty basic stuff. But she said she's come in on occasion to find that someone has made a g-string configuration with the elastic, and, well, that's not right.

I got changed and readied myself with great trepidation for the "procedure." She spread warm wax on the important spots, and I thought, "Well, this part is good. I hope this isn't like childbirth - the first part of the process is really great, but the last part makes you want to rip streetlights out of the pavement and hurl them at people you love." She put the fabric in place (and by "fabric" I mean "ripping apparatus"), I steeled myself, and shftp! That was it. A moment of sting, but nothing I couldn't handle. I was so relieved!

My friend, who arrived after I was done, and who I assured, "It's not that bad," seemed to have a bit rougher of a time with it than I did. So, maybe I've developed some sort of new tolerance for pain, but this would be highly unusual for me. It'd be like I became a new character on "Heroes." Claire - the one whose body heals itself, and Suzanne - the one who can get a bikini wax without flinching. I think it's more likely that I just expected it to be much worse than it ended up being. My expectation was based on a really bad experience with Nad's.



Nad's is a home waxing kit, though they don't call it that, because whatever the "stuff" is that they use, it's not actually wax. It's some other substance that adheres to your hair so that you can pull it out by the root. The key word in that sentence is "you" - so that YOU can pull it out by the root. That, my friends, is important. You see, they had a bunch of commercials out several years ago saying how painless it was and showing people on a beach getting demonstrations of the product and acting like they were eating ice cream. Why, it's refreshing, I tell you! But it's not refreshing, and those people weren't doing it to themselves. A professional was doing it.

They did not, themselves, have to pull that piece of fabric, and let me tell you, the pulling of the fabric is the whole enchilada. It's gotta be QUICK! You have to be determined, and sure of yourself, and pull that baby off with purpose. The slightest hesitation, and I know this now, is a freeway to hell. I managed one searing, hesitant pull of the Nad's fabric, and after I stopped crying and iced down my crotch, I packed that crap up, took it back to Walgreen's and told the sales guy (yes GUY) that they should be using that stuff to torture terror suspects. (Funny sidenote: For weeks that store's sign proudly proclaimed "We've got Nads!" Well, good. You'll need them if you want to use that product.)

So, you can see where I had grave expectations for the wax. It's probably been 6 years since the Nads debacle, and only now was I willing to give it another shot. But this time, I did it right - with a professional who knew what she was doing. Now, I'm not saying it was a massage. It's not something you'd do for the sensation if there weren't some benefit attached. It does hurt. But unlike, say, piercing my belly button, which caused me to almost pass out about 3 times, this was definitely a pain I could take and would be willing to put up with again in the future if the irritation doesn't last too long (the affected areas are a touch tender today), and the results do last a while. The lady who did mine said 7-10 days is about average - not the three weeks I was hoping for! But better than the 24 hours you get with shaving (complete with worse irritation than what I've got from waxing - suprisingly). So, all in all, I'd say this was a successful test so far.

I'm sure there are women who get waxed on a regular basis - like every 2 or 3 weeks, or even every week...you know, "exotic dancers." But I don't see that being where I'd fall on the schedule. I'm more likely to look at doing it when I've got a nice beach vacation coming up or something like that. How nice would it be to go your whole vacation without having to worry about razor burn, stubble or curlies reaching out of your bathing suit? But we'll just see. Oh, and I don't see the Brazilian making an appearance anytime soon either. Let's not get crazy.