I'm here to help.

Okay, it would appear another celebrity needs my assistance regarding how to manage his life. Today, I will be offering my particular brand of common sense to Michael Richards. Because it's become obvious that he needs it.

Michael, let's recap recent events. Last week (or somewhere thereabouts) you were performing in a comedy club. Some audience members, who happened to be black, heckled you, saying you weren't funny. Maybe they were relentless - I don't know - but in response, you went...shall we say...ape shit. You indulged in a rant that largely involved calling them the n-word (it bothers me that we can't all just say the word, but my goal here is to help Michael, not start a firestorm because *I* used the n-word, so PC "n-word" it will be) and suggesting something about forks up their butts if today were the 1950s. I don't recall that particular element of the civil rights struggle. It's my understanding it involved things like voting and desegregation, but if there were forks involved, then I trumpet the black community's right to protest that as well. I plan on vigorous opposition if anyone ever gets a fork near my butt. But this isn't about me.

Much to your chagrin, I'm sure, Michael, an audience member had a cell phone with video capability. He taped your rant. And he released it to the media. Of course. You then spent the next week on the "Michael Richards Apology Tour - 2006!!!" I felt moved to help you then, but no, I decided to let you try and work it out, but today things got worse. I wake up to see on the news that you apparently went off on Jewish people in your act a few months ago, then said it was okay because you're a Jew, which you are not. So now, not only are black people mad at you, but so are Jewish people. It's only a matter of time before you start making porn tapes, so I really *must* step in now.

Michael. I'm here to help. Let's look at this and get you a plan of action. First of all, you're performing in a comedy club. This is where your problems start. You're not mad at black people, Mike. You're mad at yourself...because your career is in the crapper. Julia Louis-Dreyfuss has a new sitcom, and it's good. Jerry Seinfeld is set for life, and he can occasionally step out and tell a few jokes anytime he feels like it, but with no pressure about needing it to pay the bills. Jason Alexander pops up in movies and tv pretty regularly, so he's keeping busy. But you, Cosmo Kramer, you're not making the transition from the Seinfeld days so well, are you?

It's okay. Not everyone can be a long-term success. Some people are one-hit wonders. Some people have just one good song in them, or one good book, or one good idea. You, Mike, you had one good character. You need to accept that. Because the first question you should've asked, before letting your rage vomit out all over the hecklers was, "Are they right?" Maybe they're right, Mike. Maybe your stand-up isn't funny. And that's not their fault. No, it's not. Whose fault is it, Mike? Whose fault? That's right, Mike. It's your fault. Let's take a second to own that.

Good.

Now, the second thing to consider. When you attacked the hecklers, you went "there." You went racist. BAM! You can't do that, Mike. It ain't seemly. And it had nothing to do with whether you're funny. And then in your apology tour, you tell everyone in a soft voice, repeatedly, how you're not racist. But you see, that's like stealing something and then saying, "But I'm not a thief." Like the pervs who suggest that they molested boys because they have an alcohol problem, that's what we call "denial."

The fact that you went there, and with such vigor, means that all that stuff was right there in your Micheal Richards mind, ready to spew out with just the right provocation...like being heckled on a comedy club stage (because THAT's not something comedians have to contend with on a regular basis). Maybe you don't WANT to be racist. Maybe you don't LIKE wishing it were 1950 and you could stick a fork up a black man's ass (which leads to other speculations about what's in your mind, but that's not for today). But Michael, it's there. So instead of telling us how tortured you are because it isn't true, try telling *yourself* the truth - that you're tortured because it is. Then allow your psychiatrist to help you with THAT.

Issue number three: the cell phone and subsequent media storm. I'm going to tell you something that someone should've pointed out to you a long time ago since you weren't quick enough to pick up on it on your own. There is NO privacy in the public domain anymore. There's barely any in your own home with the shades drawn, especially if you're a celebrity. Sit down with Jennifer Aniston and she'll explain it to you. The poor woman can barely walk around her own house. Mike, you should assume that a camera is on you at all times and anything stupid or offensive that you say will be on YouTube the next day - particularly if you're on stage when you say it. Yes, it's miserable to live that way, but you signed on for it. If you're not up for it, get a job at a car wash for minimum wage and anonymity can again be yours.

Issue number four: the Jewish thing. I can't believe I'm going to have to tell you this, but apparently no one else will, so here goes: do not lie. That's all, Mike. Don't lie. Don't lie about who you are, what you do, what you say - any lie you tell will be found out, and it will only compound your problems. Your publicist says it isn't a lie because you *believe* you're a Jew - that you "consider" yourself a Jew because some influential people in your life were Jewish and you like the religion. Well, I like cheese enchiladas - that does not make me Mexican. You have GOT to get a handle on reality, Mike. You've got to start seeing yourself as you are. I'm doing your psychiatrist's job here, but without the $300 an hour. My word, the favor I'm doing you.

Issue number five: the apology tour. This is my last bit of advice for you, Mike. I've saved it for last, because it's the most important, and I want you to leave with it fresh in your mind. Here it is: Shut. Up.

You need to shut up, Mike. You need to stop talking. When the comedy club thing happened, you should've done one, heartfelt, honest apology that didn't involve you denying that you're racist or telling us how shattered you are. You should've just said, "I said some things that were WAY out of line. I feel terrible about it, and I'm going to get some help, because it makes me sick that I'm harboring those kinds of feelings. I don't want to be that guy, and I'm ashamed of myself. I apologize with all my heart." End of story. It accepts responsibility for what you did, states that you were wrong, and says you're going to do something about it. Then you shut the hell up.

If you keep talking about it, it keeps the whole issue alive. A broken arm can't heal if you keep bangin' it with a hammer. You have to let it die down. If you'll just lie low, Britney Spears will show her hoo-hoo, or Mel Gibson will get drunk, or Tom Cruise will...exist, and everyone will start talking about something else. But if you keep talking about the old stuff and/or giving people new stuff to talk about, it will never go away.

So, in conclusion, I'll sum up my advice is two short sentences: Get real. And shut up.

I hope this helps.