It figures.

So, I've been suffering for weeks with...how shall I put this?...a mild, but persistent case of gastrointestinal distress.

I thought maybe it was stress-related, since that's generally how my body reacts to stress - that and with titanium-crushing teeth grinding in my sleep, which is why I'm forced to wear a $500 piece of molded plastic in my mouth when I sleep...it's awesome. But I digress.

I took the usual over-the-counter meds, and it worked temporarily. But it came back. This time it seemed to coincide with my period. Maybe that's it, I thought. Again, my period frequently results in such distress - must be all the muscles spasming with great effort to shove parts of my body out of other parts of my body. It's great to be a woman.

But again - my period went away, and the distress didn't. What the hell? I wondered if I might be feeling more stress than I realized. Hmmmm. Maybe. Then I thought maybe I wasn't eating well - I tried to be more careful with that. No impact. Maybe it's a combination, I thought.

Finally, this week, I decided that it had gone on too long and with no real answer as to why. I'm not feeling stressed right now (or at least no more than usual - than before all this started), and it's not my Lady Time, and I haven't suddenly switched to a diet of curried jalapenos, so ... What. The. Hell? So, I did what I do in these situations. I started researching.

For anyone who doesn't know me really well, that's what I do. I'm a writer, yes, but not just humor or creative stuff. I worked for many years as a journalist - magazine feature stories, and that meant research. I did it for a living, and it became kind of a way of life. At home, my laptop is right next to the couch, and almost a day doesn't go by when I don't hop on and look something up - and that's just at home. At work, I'm on my computer all day long, and frequently, I'm researching something. So, I started researching my "problem."

And I think we have an answer. It seems that one of the possible side effects of Splenda is that it can have a...laxative...effect. Guess who has been consuming Splenda like it comes from the fountain of youth? Seriously - I've been drinking it all day long.

I sweetened my morning coffee with it, then a few weeks ago (note the timeframe), I bought some Splenda-sweetened creamer to put in that coffee. I then drank Splenda Diet Coke in the afternoon, and I topped it off with Splenda-sweetened Propel Fitness Water at home. If I could've found Splenda-infused frozen dinners for lunch and Splenda bread, I probably would've shoved that down my pie hole everyday, too. I've been poisoning my system with sucralose!!

So, as of today, I'm officially backing WAY off on the Splenda. I'm pretty sure I don't have to cut it out completely and never touch it again. My tummy troubles just began a few weeks ago when I think I pushed the limits of the dam with the creamer. But still - I should really pull way back. No one needs to be putting that much of an unnatural substance in their body.

I'd really like to maintain my current weight, so I don't want to toss all sugar substitutes out completely, and I don't want to be stuck with nothing but water for the rest of my life, but I clearly need to mix things up a little. I'll start drinking more water, but when I want something sweet, I'll maybe have some tea with Sweet and Low or a regular Diet Coke - yes that means saccharin and aspartame, but small doses of a mix of stuff rather than massively inundating my body with one particular substance has got to be preferable. And if I drink more water, then I'm putting less unnatural stuff in my body in general. I'll also try to do a better job with exercising regularly so if I do consume more calories, I burn them off.

So, there we are. If you didn't already know, ingest Splenda (and I'd venture to say all sugar substitutes) in moderation. As Monk would say, you'll thank me later.