Oblivions

Mike Straka has a column on the Fox News Web site in which he rants about Oblivions - people who are totally f-ing obvlivious. I like his column, and I frequently nod my head when reading it. I ran into an Oblivion today at the grocery store, and while I wouldn't necessarily call this a rant, it's definitely a eye-roll at grocery store oblivions.

I ran to the store at lunch to pick up a few items. "A few items" turned into "quite a few items" and when I went to check out at the self-check-out aisle, because I firmly believe in limiting contact with other people in every instance possible, I was forced to get in the "20 items or less" aisle, instead of the "10 items or less" one. I think the grocery store assumes that if you're in the self-check-out, you're anti-social, and thus, you live alone and don't need more than 20 items from the grocery store. I'm not sure where they get that idea (says the single lady with less than 20 items avoiding the real, live checkers).

In any case, half a second before I rolled up to the open 20-item scanner, some woman with 3 items got to it first. Note: there was a 10-item scanner free and clear that she passed up to get to my 20-item scanner. Yes, MY scanner. I'm looking at her like, "What are you doing?" but she's oblivious. I considered asking her to go to the other scanner (I couldn't b/c the machine actually cashes you out after 10 items - it's truly a 10 item or less scanner, unlike the real live checkers...yet another advantage to the machine), but I decided to appear patient instead. Which I wasn't.

Then she starts slowing trying to figure out the machine. Amateur. And in the wrong aisle. Are you kidding me? You cock-block me from my machine, and you don't even know how to use it? Oh, it gets better. She had produce, and she hadn't bagged it and done the pre-scan thing in the produce section - where you weigh it and print out a sticker with the price on it. She had to stand there and weigh each item, slowly looking up the produce code on a reference sheet by the scanner for each one. I repeat - are you kidding me?

There's no question her transaction would have been faster through the regular check-out. And all the while, I'm staring at her - glaring really, and she never even notices. If ever there were an Oblivion, this chick was it. I felt like I was in a 2008 version of the Mr. Mom scene where Michael Keaton goes to the grocery store, and it's a fiasco because he doesn't know what he's doing. I found myself waiting for the loudspeaker to announce, "Cleanup on Aisle 4, Irv" and this woman to yell, "I was never IN Aisle 4, Irv!" Except that would indicate she was aware of her cluelessness, and she's clearly not.

So anyway, here are the grocery store rules that were violated today, so you won't make the same mistakes:

1. Bag your freakin' produce, and pre-price it if your store offers that option. If it doesn't, start patronizing a different store.

2. Go to the aisle that's actually appropriate to the number of items you're purchasing. If you go to an Express aisle with a full basket of groceries, the other patrons have the right to beat you with anything in their hands. The cashier really should be the one to do this, but they never do, so like most societal norms, it must be enforced by the masses. If you hold up a big aisle with a small purchase when an Express aisle is available, other patrons are allowed to glare, and you're required to apologize.

3. If you're new to the self-check-out, make sure you use a machine that no one else is waiting on your inaugural and time-consuming first try. We self-check-out folks have little patience with other people to begin with, so you're just asking to be ostracized.

I hope that helps clarify things.