In my email...

Agostinho Eldrige is offering me "gymnast VIAgRA".

Is gymnast VIAgRA different from regular VIAgRA? Is it because gymnasts have a certain reputation to live up to, and, frankly, they need a little help meeting the unreasonable standard society puts on them?

I can see the problem. You're able to hold yourself in a prone position from rings. Plus, you can do the splits in mid-air, hold that position, then rotate your legs upward into a handstand. You're buff - you're cut - you're flexible - and you can land on your feet. That sets up expectations, doesn't it?

Then, there's the pommel horse incident. You're running, top-speed. You're focused. You know just where to plant your feet and grab the horse. But just as you approach the horse, you hear a voice in your head. It's that little Russian gymnast who is supposed to take the floor exercise competition. You hear some music and you recognize that it's for her routine. She must be starting her routine right now - just there, on the mat to the right. She's been flirting with you all week. Sure, she's stunted with the body of a 9-year-old, but she's got this way of looking at you...and there's the way she says your name, with that accent - yes, that's the voice you're hearing - it's her saying your name - WHAM!!!! You lost focus, pal. You didn't plant your feet in the right spot, and your hand just missed the horse. And no, that wasn't your chest that slammed into the side of the horse.

So, now...you're going to need a little help. A little pharmaceutical help. And not the garden variety stuff that Phil the accountant living over there on Maple Street needs. No. Phil just has to show up. You - you've got to perform. You're going to need the gymnast VIAgRA.

So, I say, thank god for the Agostinho Eldriges of the world - providing a service, he is. Helping all the gymnasts out there. Someone's got to do it.