So, what are you saying?

I went out to my mailbox yesterday when I got home - it's one of those community boxes. Since it's located across the street from my house, that means I get to listen to 30 of my neighbors stop by everyday with their bass booming or Tejano wailing while they get their mail and then go through every piece of it in their car before they drive off and go home. I guess they need to make sure the florist hasn't sent a thank-you note home, alerting their spouse that they've sent flowers to their girlfriends.

Anyway, on my way across my front lawn, I see my neighbor to the right working on his yard. He's mowed and run the weedeater. "Good," I think. Because that lawn has never seen weed killer of any kind, and it runs amok. I say this with complete hypocrisy, because I've got renegade weed plants (meaning they're tall and have sturdy trunks to them) all over my front yard. I said I made my backyard a showplace a couple of weeks ago - I said nothing about the front yard.

Well, this neighbor, whose name I don't know, in part because I wasn't even sure he lived there and he barely speaks English, so conversation didn't really seem a priority, smiled and waved, so I smiled and waved. Then he says to me that he'll do my lawn next if I'd like. That's code for, "Your lawn looks like shit. Just let me do if it you're not going to."

I say that no, I'll do it, and he says he won't charge me. For a moment, I consider this, then realize that if I let him, he may think I owe him in some other way. Unacceptable. So, I decline again. He tries again - telling me I'm a good neighbor, and he won't charge me. I wanted to say, "I got it. The weeds have birds' nests in them. I'll mow, okay?" But instead I just decline once again and assure him I'll do it.

I can't be sure if Pedro was hitting on me, disgusted by my lawn, or just being nice. But be sure I got my mail in a hurry and scurried back inside. I wonder if there's a service where you can rent a large man to swing by your house periodically and pretend to be your angry boyfriend so that neighbors won't hit on you or give you grief about your yard?