Honey, taste this. Is it spoiled?

I often wonder if I could be on a reality tv show. I don't mean have one of my own where cameras followed me around incessently and the only parts that made it on air were when I was cursing after stubbing my toe, crying because some song on the radio reminded me of some lost love or family member, and drinking a margarita while out with some friends, so that the world is given the picture of me as an angry, unbalanced drunk.

No, I mean like a reality GAME show - like The Amazing Race or Fear Factor. I wouldn't do well on Survivor. I don't like to go 24 hours without a shower and I'd have to hide a razor somewhere. My own body hair growing at will with no interference for weeks on end - I don't think so. And do those people use deodorant? That's not even negotiable. And none of that even addresses the whole "alliance" thing and being all strategic with lying and betraying people and whatnot. I hate that kinda crap. Which of course excludes me right off the bat from Big Brother.

I don't have a weight problem, so Biggest Loser is out. I like the way I look, so no Extreme Makeover. So, that leaves me with the two I mentioned above - The Amazing Race and Fear Factor. I only started watching Fear Factor this season. Before that, it should've just been named Vomit Factor. The whole point was to make people eat foul stuff. I don't eat foul stuff - not on purpose anyway. I poured myself a big ole bowl of cereal at a friend's house once, and a millisecond before the first bite hit my mouth (too late to stop it from doing so), my nose alerted my brain than the milk was bad - long gone. Pushin' up daisies. I nearly puked. Maybe I did - it's been a long time now, and me puking after eating bad milk wouldn't be notable enough to remember. It would be expected. So, am I the chick you want to depend on if you winning $50,000 depends on me eating the worm and fish head mixture that you just put in your mouth, chewed up and then spit into my glass?

But this year, Fear Factor has gotten a little less gross and a little more daredevil. First few episodes, I was thinking, "I could probably do that. I could! I could do that!" Until last night. They had to dunk their heads in a dirty sink filled with grey water and use their mouths to remove big clumps of hair (some stranger's nasty-ass pipe-clogging hair) until they managed to get to the bottom of the sink where a key was waiting for them to also remove with their mouths. Right then, I knew I could never do that show. Not that I realistically could've done a whole lot of other things people have done on that show, but that right there - that goes beyond anything I was put on this Earth to do. Oh, and you know what that last part of that round of stunts was? They had to suck up spoiled milk from a bottle and spit it into another bottle until they reached a certain quantity in the spit bottle. Mm-hmm.

So, we're down to The Amazing Race. I could do The Amazing Race, people. I could. I love to travel, and I'm great with maps, and as long as my partner did all the eating challenges, I'd be golden. That brings us to my current roadblock, though (see I even use the lingo in my real life!) - the partner. I have no partner to do it with. You have to choose someone who you either know you can spend all that time with without ruining your relationship, or that you're willing to kill on camera if they drive you to it. If you love your spouse, but figure they'd drive you to kill them in a high-pressure traveling situation, and you're not willing to do that, don't go on that show with them. Take your brother. Mine wouldn't go with me, so he's safe. And believe me, one of us wouldn't make it back alive if we did it.