Step it up!

This is the forest in Tasmania:



That's what my backyard looks like...except for the trees. The trees and the shade. And the ferns. I don't have any ferns. But imagine what it would take to clear the land in that picture and you get the sense of the impossible that get every time I look out my back door.

I'm beginning to think that rather than clearing all the weeds, I should just submit my backyard as a location for the next season of The Amazing Race. Just imagine Lake and Michelle approaching the Valley of the Weeds.

"Michelle, yer gonna have to step it up, girl. You said you'd do this roadblock. I can't be doin' everythang. Now git in there and find the clue."

"Lake, what if there's some Russian guy hidden down in the weeds, and he takes a picture up my shorts as I walk by?"

"Dammit, Michelle, we ain't got time for this!"

"Fine, but can I have some bug spray?"

"Did Yolanda git bug spray? You don't see Ray havin' to talk her into this. Go on!"

She moves forward, gingerly looking for open terrain. The dandelions are scratching her calves, and she steps in a bed of fire ants. She dances like a marionette, slapping at her feet until the little Hell creatures are off, then goes deeper into the abyss.

"Lake, I think I saw something move! At the back, by the potting bench!!!"

"It's Yolanda! She's got the clue! GIT OVER THERE!!"

Michelle tries to run and trips. Screams ensue. Lake throws his hat on the ground.

"Dammit, Michelle! Git your head in the game!"

With the money I'd get from the show for letting them use my yard, I could pay someone to come in and make it look like a yard again. In fact, I could probably get the Home and Garden channel to come out and film the transformation. These weeds might just be a boon for me.