Well, we can hold our heads up high again. Joey Chestnut has given us back our pride. That's right, folks, the Mustard Belt is back in American hands, as it should be.
Don't know what the Mustard Belt is? For shame. Turn in your flag and move to China, ya freakin' commie.
The Mustard Belt is the hot dog eating championship - hot dogs and buns, to be precise. For several years now, a skinny Japanese guy named Kobayashi has pounded an absurd number of hot dogs and buns down his gullet to humiliate us Americans. To be out-eaten by a ASIAN??? We're AMERICANS! No one should be out-gorging the Americans. It's obscene. The world tells us on a regular basis that we're fat, greedy pigs, so by God we should have the title.
Well, thank you, Joey Chestnut for righting the wrong that has been done all these years - and on July 4th, no less. You are a hero, my friend. There was some talk of a sore jaw on Kobayashi's part - perhaps there were those who knew that Joey was going to take Kobayashi down, and they were trying to build in an excuse. "Yashi [as I shall call him - it's too annoying to type out his whole name every time] was playing injured, man! It's a tainted win!"
Don't even go there. Yashi was slamming dogs like no tomorrow. If he was in pain, he wasn't showing it. He was shoving weiners in and dipping his buns in water to create that foul bread-paste that presumably goes down easier and never flinching. Until.
Until when? If you don't know the answer to that, you weren't watching. Because anyone watching will be somewhat damaged by what they saw in the final seconds of this mammoth contest. As the final seconds ticked by, Joey was forcing in his 66th hot dog (in 10 minutes? 15? I don't know - it's more than 2 in 20 minutes, so that's well beyond anything I'm capable of), and Yashi was close behind, trying to make some last-minute push. That's when it happened. Kobayashi, World's Greatest Eater, America's Foe, suffered a "reversal." That's what the announcers called it. A reversal. To you and me, it means that he vomited into his own hands, which were pressed against his face. His eyes showed panic, and he tried to force the mushy puke back into his mouth, thinking that maybe no one would notice or he might not be penalized for the "loss." Um...dude...it's on TV. We didn't just see it when it happened, we saw it twice more in slo-mo. It was one of the most disgusting things I've ever seen. WE were penalized.
Joey stood firm, his 66 dogs hanging out in some sort of slosh in his stomach. But he showed nary a moment's discomfort. Yashi, it was all he could do to keep from a full-on reversal. Joey, he said, "I could eat another if I had to." That's my boy. THAT's an American! In the end, Yashi was only credited with 63 hot dogs. The ones he vomited up - those don't count. So, Joey was solidly declared the victor.
And another American hero goes into the record books.
3 comments:
There are some high aspirations.
I was shocked to find they debit and don't disqualify on the regurgitation...also there is a "whale blubber disolving enzyme" scandal beginning to percolate!! No joke!! Dog Doping may be afoot (long.)
It's all too much, I get queezy in my patriotism...
Ya know, when it comes to eating 66 hot dogs and passing that volleyball here in a few days, cruise ship toilets are the only thing I've ever seen that could handle that.
Still, was a great day for America and then we went outside and blew up some stuff.
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