Stalker?

Have you ever had someone who came on just a little too strong? I'm not talking about dating - guys come onto chicks too strong all the time. I'm talking about someone who you meet in some kind of non-dating situation who gloms onto you just a bit too soon and a bit too strong - wanting to have some kind of instant relationship with you, and you find yourself trying to duck them?

Me too. A few weeks ago, I was in Sunday School and a woman was visiting our class and our church, trying to find a church home. She asked some questions about our church, and we answered them, and in the process of answering one of the questions for her, I let her know I'm in a similar position to her in my life and that I find a lot of resources at this church. A lot of other people piped in with stuff, and I wasn't sure how clear we'd been, so at the end of class, I approached her and asked, "So, did we answer your questions?" She says yes. Good. Glad to be of service.

I start to leave class, and I'm talking to one of the regulars, and she walks up and just joins in. Uh...okay...havin' a conversation here. I finish my conversation with my friend, and this woman stands in front of me, just a little too close and positioned so that I'd have to get past her to leave and says, "We should keep in touch!" Um...I don't know you. Maybe you could come to class for a while, and we could get to know each other, and then if we want to try to have some sort of friendship outside of class, we could pursue that. But you're a perfect stranger I met less than an hour ago, and I've had two exchanges with. I'm not handing out my phone number and making plans with you.

I give a vague, "Yeah," and leave hurriedly without exchanging information, but something tells me this woman isn't going to give up. I can't explain it. It sounds on paper like an innocent enough exchange, but you know, sometimes you can just tell when someone is just a little too enthusiastic about you. 22 years of dating gives you the internal alarm system. And something about this woman just set my bells to ringing.

So last week, I was visiting my parents and had planned to go to church at home, but this woman immediately leapt to mind, and I just did not want to go. Maybe if she came again and I wasn't there, she'd glom onto someone else or give up. So, I skipped. How sad - pushy, borderline creepy lady keeps me from going to church.

And now we're at this week. I went to the early service and then went to Sunday School, and like some kind of hunted animal, I'm keeping an eye out for this woman. I go to our classroom, but it's too soon and no one is there yet. I don't want to get stuck alone with her if she comes to the room, so I wander back out and chat with the guy acting as greeter at the front doors. He's in our class, so I've known him for years. We're chatting, and up she walks. She asks me if I remember her, then when I say I do and I put my hand out to shake her hand, she HUGS me!!! Personal. Space.

Now there's no denying it - this woman has a way different threshold of intimacy than I do. I'm sorry - I just have to get to know people before I forge friendships and start hugging each other. I DON'T KNOW HER. And don't say, "Well, that's how you get to know people - you go do stuff." No. No, it's not - not if you know you'll both be in the same place every week. It's not necessary to cross the personal boundaries immediately when you already know you'll have the opportunity and place to build up to that. When you've got that kind of opportunity, you let it build naturally. When you start working a new job, do you run around asking people to come hang out at your house the first day you meet them? No. That would be weird. When you're that pushy to try and forge some kind of immediate, false intimacy, that's just a little off. And girlfriend's alarm bells are deafening her.

Luckily, she went to a different Sunday School class, so I was able to avoid her during the class, but after class, she stopped me in the foyer and asked me what I do in my spare time. I wanted to say, "I avoid freaks," but instead I just said how very busy I am with my many activities and friends. So very, very busy. She gives me her card, tells me how much she'd like to meet my friends and how we should keep in touch. Scary Lady, my friends are my friends because I don't inflict needy, desperate strangers on them.

I should say something here. I would never say, "I don't need anymore friends." If I meet someone I like, that I think is cool, I'd love to add to my friends. And my friends are always open to meeting a new, fun person. So, this isn't about me being closed off. And I admire this chick's assertiveness in trying to make friends. She's been in town about a year and a half she said, so it's still a somewhat new city to her, and making friends can be HARD. Meeting people, getting invited stuff, getting to be part of a group. It can be work, and sometimes it requires you to push a little. I know. I've been there. So, I pat her on the back for not just sitting around wondering, "How come I have no friends?" She's trying to do something about it. Good idea.

However. Having said that, you cannot just meet someone in a non-meat-market environment and immediately shove yourself down someone's throat. People don't like that. We're put off by it. It's too much, and it makes you appear desperate and needy, which isn't what most of us are looking to add to our lives. Before you start asking for people's contact information and their schedule, and saying you want to meet their friends and do stuff together, why don't you try chatting like a normal human being within the boundaries of the environment you're in? Give it some time - a few weeks or months to see if there's any "click." If you seem compatible and the person seems to want to talk to you (as opposed to politely acknowledging you then trying desperately to talk to someone else, like, say, I was doing), then you put it out there that it might be fun to do something. If they seem *genuinely* amenable to that, then come up with an actual activity. Invite them, then you'll get your answer. They'll go, or they won't. If they don't, *leave it alone.* They know where to find you. They know you're interested in pursuing a friendship. They either need more time to get to know you or aren't interested in return. But trying to make someone your best friend 10 seconds after you meet them? Well, that just makes them hide from church. And do you really want to be responsible for someone's soul atrophying?