I'm female. I promise.

On the whole, I'm a pretty female-y female. I look like a girl (curves in the appropriate places), and sound like a girl (I've largely cleaned up my sailor mouth from college), and dress like a girl (I even wear dresses when I don't have to). I've watched my share of Lifetime movies and seen most episodes of "Whose Wedding Is It Anyway?" (the child of "Bridezillas"). And I read "O" magazine. I'm solidly in the XX category.

So WHY can't I shop? I try. I go to the mall. I look at stuff. I try stuff on. But I'm only good for about an hour to an hour and a half, and then I just lose all steam. I can keep walking the stores, but it's pointless. After 90 minutes, I officially don't care anymore. So, I either come across good stuff that I don't buy because my motivation is gone, or I buy stuff I don't really want and pay too much just to have it all over with.

One problem, I know, is that I often go into it knowing what I want and trying to find THAT thing. Only that thing doesn't exist. Maybe I don't know where to look. But if my staying power is only 90 minutes, I can't cut into that driving all over town to individual boutique places. If it's not at the mall, I'm probably only good for one stop. So, the free-standing boutique place better be golden. It had better meet all my needs, and that means not charging 4 times what I can pay. And what are the odds that will happen?

My shopping ineptitude was on display last night as I tramped fruitlessly around Barton Creek Mall trying to buy a new dress for a wedding I'm going to on Friday. I tried the big guns - Foley's, Dillard's, Nordstrum. I got to the point that $118 was actually looking reasonable for a springish, halter sundress (the target of my quest), and I knew I had to leave. I did find one possibility at Foley's - a Liz Clairborne number that fit the bill on the hanger. But when I tried it on, my boobs disappeared, replaced by gapping, fabric cones. I think the dress was made for someone several inches taller than I am (a common occurrence) with D size cups. I tried valiently to make it work before giving up in disgust.

Oh, and I should say that while I love Nordstrum's policy of no-hassle returns and their fab-o shoe selection, I wanted to scream as every single sales person I came upon as I browsed had to individually engage me. "Hello. Do you need a new dress?" "Hello, how are you?" "Hello. Let me know if you need a dressing room." "Hello. That's really cute isn't it." LEAVE ME ALONE! If I need anything I'LL talk to YOU!!! See. I'm just not a shopper.

One of two things happens at this point. I either try a couple of boutique places with my non-existent time between now and Friday, or I wear something I already own. I tried a few things when I got home from my mall excursion, and there are one or two things I suppose I wouldn't hate to wear, but I sure would like a new springish, halter sundress. Can't someone just read my mind, make what I want in the correct size at the correct price, and then deliver it to my house and put it in my closet?